~ Duct tape can't fix stupidity… but it can muffle it.
~ Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in "I recommend the squirrel".
~ Can we all just agree that having your cake and eating it too is the same damn thing.
~ At my last job, the tech support guy asked me to rank my issue as normal, urgent, or extremely urgent. I did a 6 minute long scream into the phone and let him decide.
~ 'Vegetarians' don't eat meat. 'Vegans' also don't eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there and pretend to be a shrub.
~ When they say "all expenses paid"… it does not include bail.
~ I've done a few things I've been ashamed of, but at least I’ve never played FarmVille.
~ I'm about one more bad decision away from my own reality show.
~ So I put on a muscle shirt yesterday… and waited. Just how long does it take to kick in?
~ To the guy at the mall who parked his Lexus across two parking spaces: Your car got paint on my keys.
~ It’s sad that America ranks 25th in the world in math, but at least we're still in the top 10.
~ So do Amish people just yell their tweets from the top of their barns?
~ I asked Siri "What do women want?" and she's been talking nonstop for the last nine days now.
~ My sense of humor has frequently been described as "please stop" and "you're ruining the party."
~ I saw someone trying to parallel park a car for about 10 minutes today. I didn’t actually see the person, so I’m not going to assume what gender she was.
~ So I’m wondering if 6 foot penguins exist… or if I ran over a Nun this afternoon.
~ Saw a girl with a nice tan at Wal*Mart today. I'm guessing her mother is white and her father is a sweet potato.
~ It's like I always say... if you can't beat ‘em; arrange to have 'em beaten.
~ I had too much fun at Wal*Mart today with a woman who’d lost her son named "Marco."
~ My boss once choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because she really needed that mint.
~ Ate a vegetable at dinner... still no abs.
~ According to my cholesterol level I'm a pizza.
~ I always carry a knife, but it's just in case of cake.
~ Do you ever wonder what "don't touch" is in Braille?
~ If you didn’t fall off the treadmill and smash your face open, then I really don’t need to hear about your gym workout.
~ I recommend watching your wedding video backwards. You'll love the part where you take your ring off, walk away from the altar, and leave with your friends.
~ There's a special place in he'll for autocorrect…
~ I bet Doctors had a really good laugh when they realized that temperatures could be taken orally, too.
~ I can never remember if it's "laying" or "lying." But anyway, I hit a dude with my truck and he's doing one of them in the middle of the road.
~ Have you ever raised your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you're finishing a marathon? Yeah… they don’t like that.
~ I just don't eat well enough to have an Instagram account.
~ I would stand for what I believe in… but I believe in laziness.
~ I think that milk I just chewed is probably out of date.
~ What wine would you serve to celebrate we're having Tequila?
~ In hell, you have to stand in line all day only to find out you're in the wrong line. It's always the wrong line.
~ The best thing about telling Amish jokes is not having to worry about losing followers.
~ Not to brag, but I can still fit into the sweatpants I put on this morning.