~ I plan to start volunteering a few hours every Monday at the local Soup Kitchen teaching the homeless people how to Instagram their soup.
~ I’m living proof that if you work hard, put in your dues, and are nice to everyone around you, you TOO can live in poverty and barely survive paycheck to paycheck.
~ I got a fortune cookie that just said "Sorry."
~ My safe word was Worcestershire.
~ I went to a vegan restaurant yesterday. Wait… no… that was a florist. My bad.
~ There's no excuse for laziness… but if you find one, let me know.
~ No thanks hockey! If I wanted to freeze my butt off and watch a bunch of toothless drunks fight, I'd go to my Uncle Lester's on payday.
~ I now realize I will never be old enough to know better.
~ If you ask me to choose sides, I will always choose potato salad.
~ Just a heads up: Referring to another employee as a "gingeraffe" will land you in sensitivity training... no matter how tall and redheaded they are.
~ I've seen enough episodes of "Cops" to know that you should avoid all people with blurry faces.
~ My new password contains a capital letter, a number, a plot, a protagonist with some character development, and a surprise ending.
~ I call OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they're set on shuffle.
~ I've been eating sunflower seeds and Tweeting for 9 hours. Now I know what a canary feels like.
~ I've been hitting "remind me later" for about the last four years on Adobe.
~ I was single for many years by choice... of others.
~ OMG! A CUSTOMER AT WAL*MART ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back on the shelf. She never even knew.
~ I fall more in love with OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) each day. Well, except yesterday. Yesterday she was really freakin' annoying.
~ From the way cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I could tell she had never broken a lawnmower before.
~ My neighbor accidentally shot a fellow hunter on a hunting trip because he mistook him for a deer in an orange vest drinking a beer.
~ Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
~ When a mime dies, do other mimes observe a moment of talking?
~ Being a Twitter elite is like being the most popular patient in the asylum. Just TRUST me…
~ Someone asked me what I'm into these days… and I told them "debt."
~ I’m thinking if gas station quit locking their bathrooms, someone might clean them.
~ Things are so tough my background check bounced.
~ I'm 72 minutes in to trying to reverse whatever my 3 y/o neighbor did in one second to the TV remote.