tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87818575539426694542024-03-13T18:36:04.580-05:00Jester JournalsWeird ramblings from a warped mind...JesterBoy01http://www.blogger.com/profile/10351701471824772518noreply@blogger.comBlogger154125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781857553942669454.post-53737996936192825642014-01-24T11:44:00.000-06:002014-01-24T11:44:25.582-06:00More Ramblings From A Warped Mind... 1-24-2014~ I used to work with a WOMAN named Rick… but she spelled it with a silent "P."<br />
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~ Duct tape can't fix stupidity… but it can muffle it.<br />
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~ Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in "I recommend the squirrel".<br />
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~ Can we all just agree that having your cake and eating it too is the same damn thing.<br />
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~ At my last job, the tech support guy asked me to rank my issue as normal, urgent, or extremely urgent. I did a 6 minute long scream into the phone and let him decide.<br />
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~ 'Vegetarians' don't eat meat. 'Vegans' also don't eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there and pretend to be a shrub.<br />
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~ When they say "all expenses paid"… it does not include bail.<br />
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~ I've done a few things I've been ashamed of, but at least I’ve never played FarmVille.<br />
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~ I'm about one more bad decision away from my own reality show.<br />
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~ So I put on a muscle shirt yesterday… and waited. Just how long does it take to kick in?<br />
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~ To the guy at the mall who parked his Lexus across two parking spaces: Your car got paint on my keys.<br />
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~ It’s sad that America ranks 25th in the world in math, but at least we're still in the top 10.<br />
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~ So do Amish people just yell their tweets from the top of their barns?<br />
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~ I asked Siri "What do women want?" and she's been talking nonstop for the last nine days now.<br />
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~ My sense of humor has frequently been described as "please stop" and "you're ruining the party."<br />
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~ I saw someone trying to parallel park a car for about 10 minutes today. I didn’t actually see the person, so I’m not going to assume what gender she was.<br />
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~ So I’m wondering if 6 foot penguins exist… or if I ran over a Nun this afternoon.<br />
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~ Saw a girl with a nice tan at Wal*Mart today. I'm guessing her mother is white and her father is a sweet potato.<br />
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~ It's like I always say... if you can't beat ‘em; arrange to have 'em beaten.<br />
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~ I had too much fun at Wal*Mart today with a woman who’d lost her son named "Marco."<br />
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~ My boss once choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because she really needed that mint.<br />
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~ Ate a vegetable at dinner... still no abs.<br />
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~ According to my cholesterol level I'm a pizza.<br />
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~ I always carry a knife, but it's just in case of cake.<br />
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~ Do you ever wonder what "don't touch" is in Braille?<br />
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~ If you didn’t fall off the treadmill and smash your face open, then I really don’t need to hear about your gym workout.<br />
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~ I recommend watching your wedding video backwards. You'll love the part where you take your ring off, walk away from the altar, and leave with your friends.<br />
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~ There's a special place in he'll for autocorrect…<br />
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~ I bet Doctors had a really good laugh when they realized that temperatures could be taken orally, too.<br />
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~ I can never remember if it's "laying" or "lying." But anyway, I hit a dude with my truck and he's doing one of them in the middle of the road.<br />
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~ Have you ever raised your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you're finishing a marathon? Yeah… they don’t like that.<br />
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~ I just don't eat well enough to have an Instagram account.<br />
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~ I would stand for what I believe in… but I believe in laziness.<br />
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~ I think that milk I just chewed is probably out of date.<br />
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~ What wine would you serve to celebrate we're having Tequila?<br />
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~ In hell, you have to stand in line all day only to find out you're in the wrong line. It's always the wrong line.<br />
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~ The best thing about telling Amish jokes is not having to worry about losing followers.<br />
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~ Not to brag, but I can still fit into the sweatpants I put on this morning.<br />
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JesterBoy01http://www.blogger.com/profile/10351701471824772518noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781857553942669454.post-21036094431056980632014-01-19T14:24:00.000-06:002014-01-19T14:24:03.036-06:00More Ramblings From A Warped Mind... 1-19-2014~ I saw a guy today with knuckle tats that said PLAN AHEA<br />
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~ I plan to start volunteering a few hours every Monday at the local Soup Kitchen teaching the homeless people how to Instagram their soup.<br />
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~ I’m living proof that if you work hard, put in your dues, and are nice to everyone around you, you TOO can live in poverty and barely survive paycheck to paycheck.<br />
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~ I got a fortune cookie that just said "Sorry."<br />
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~ My safe word was Worcestershire.<br />
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~ I went to a vegan restaurant yesterday. Wait… no… that was a florist. My bad.<br />
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~ There's no excuse for laziness… but if you find one, let me know.<br />
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~ No thanks hockey! If I wanted to freeze my butt off and watch a bunch of toothless drunks fight, I'd go to my Uncle Lester's on payday.<br />
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~ I now realize I will never be old enough to know better.<br />
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~ If you ask me to choose sides, I will always choose potato salad.<br />
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~ Just a heads up: Referring to another employee as a "gingeraffe" will land you in sensitivity training... no matter how tall and redheaded they are.<br />
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~ I've seen enough episodes of "Cops" to know that you should avoid all people with blurry faces.<br />
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~ My new password contains a capital letter, a number, a plot, a protagonist with some character development, and a surprise ending.<br />
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~ I call OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they're set on shuffle.<br />
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~ I've been eating sunflower seeds and Tweeting for 9 hours. Now I know what a canary feels like.<br />
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~ I've been hitting "remind me later" for about the last four years on Adobe.<br />
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~ I was single for many years by choice... of others.<br />
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~ OMG! A CUSTOMER AT WAL*MART ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back on the shelf. She never even knew.<br />
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~ I fall more in love with OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) each day. Well, except yesterday. Yesterday she was really freakin' annoying.<br />
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~ From the way cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I could tell she had never broken a lawnmower before.<br />
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~ My neighbor accidentally shot a fellow hunter on a hunting trip because he mistook him for a deer in an orange vest drinking a beer.<br />
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~ Together, I can beat schizophrenia.<br />
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~ When a mime dies, do other mimes observe a moment of talking?<br />
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~ Being a Twitter elite is like being the most popular patient in the asylum. Just TRUST me…<br />
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~ Someone asked me what I'm into these days… and I told them "debt."<br />
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~ I’m thinking if gas station quit locking their bathrooms, someone might clean them.<br />
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~ Things are so tough my background check bounced.<br />
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~ I'm 72 minutes in to trying to reverse whatever my 3 y/o neighbor did in one second to the TV remote.<br />
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JesterBoy01http://www.blogger.com/profile/10351701471824772518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781857553942669454.post-38899063105870255332014-01-16T12:04:00.000-06:002014-01-16T12:04:17.214-06:00More Ramblings From A Warped Mind... 1-16-2014~ This Male Order Bride is the worst and most expensive typo I've ever paid for.<br />
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~ I saw a woman at Wal*Mart today with a lower back tattoo that said "Classy" and my brain leaked out of my ear.<br />
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~ The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe… which is something it has in common with the liberal media.<br />
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~ I saw on the news that one of the wheelchair basketball team players has tested positive for WD40.<br />
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~ I took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard… because the theft in this trailerhood is getting out of hand.<br />
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~ Yawning is your body's way of saying 20% battery left.<br />
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~ How about an App that sends you a text when the light turns green…<br />
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~ I gave OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) a tip how she could wash the dishes better. On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands softer.<br />
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~ It takes a smoke detector four months to stop beeping… if you were wondering how lazy I am.<br />
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~ When I call OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) "Hun," it's not short for honey… it's short for Attila.<br />
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~ OWN ('Ol Weird Nancy) used way too much moisturizer and she may have to call in slick tomorrow.<br />
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~ This morning OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, "You're good to go, woman!" And now the mop handle is in a funny place.<br />
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~ When playing tug of war with a 2yo, it's best to remember they're pulling really, really hard and WOW they travel fast when you let go.<br />
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~ For those of you wondering what its like to be married: I just found out this morning I'm on day three of an argument I didn't know I was having...<br />
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~ It was only after I started dancing in the food court - alone - that I learned flash mobs are planned...<br />
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~ Nothing in the history of the English language has backfired more than the phrase "calm down."<br />
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~ Things I'm really sick of: underwear… responsibility…<br />
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~ At best, I'm a worst-case scenario.<br />
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~ If you didn't want me stealing the Parmesan shaker from your establishment, you should've chained it down like they do with pens at the bank.<br />
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~ I never know what to expect from our ice dispenser… 1 or 5000.<br />
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~ So I got a walking stick as a gift, but it's done nothing except just lie on the floor so far. I'm going to take it back for a refund.<br />
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~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) hides bubble wrap in her bra and it makes for HILARIOUS hugs.<br />
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~ Some talents are best left off a résumé.<br />
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~ If someone doesn’t realize their blinker is on after one minute their car should explode.<br />
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~ I just watched “How It’s Made” on the Discovery Channel and now I’ll never be able to eat another Urinal Cake again.<br />
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~ “Your call is VERY important to us. Now, please enjoy the 40-minute flute solo.” <br />
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~ Sometimes when I’m bored, I dress up as a giant duck and go down to the pond and throw whole loaves of bread at people.<br />
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~ Listen… all you people DO realize you can just BUY a Klondike Bar. Right?<br />
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~ Everyone who signed my Yearbook in Junior High will be glad to know I have, in fact, stayed cool.<br />
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~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) was surprised when we went into Staples yesterday to learn they sell ALL kinds of office supplies. She has now decided it might be safe to checkout Dick’s… <br />
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~ I often wonder what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided that Anusol was the best possible name brand.<br />
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JesterBoy01http://www.blogger.com/profile/10351701471824772518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781857553942669454.post-88989351168634411712014-01-03T10:03:00.000-06:002014-01-03T10:03:01.723-06:00More Ramblings From A Warped Mind... 1-3-2014~ You'd think it would be safe not locking a car in a church parking lot on a Sunday, but apparently NOT… just this week I got 8 iPhones and $26.00 in change.<br />
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~ Any machine is a smoke machine if I just use it wrong enough.<br />
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~ Atheists certainly seem to have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.<br />
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~ I'm not saying I did terrible things last night, but Satan just woke up on my couch and won't make eye contact.<br />
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~ My doctor told me to start killing people. Not in those exact words, mind you, but he said I needed to reduce my stress. Same thing.<br />
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~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) has been helping me diet by replacing the light in our fridge with an air horn.<br />
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~ I always maintain constant eye contact with the dude wearing camouflage at the mall… so he KNOWS I can totally see him.<br />
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~ I mixed my coffee with Red Bull… and now I can see the invisible things the cat pounces on.<br />
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~ Marriage is like the vet… and we're all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we're going.<br />
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~ My new fail-proof diet: cut sugar, fats, pasta, alcohol, bread, and wrists.<br />
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~ My neighbor Marcel got banned from Taco Bell and I cannot wait to hear this story. I have given table dances at Taco Bell and not got kicked out.<br />
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~ Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Why don't they just make bags that are twice as strong?<br />
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~ So OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) said: Please go to Wal*Mart and buy a carton of milk… and if they have eggs, get six. I came back with six cartons of milk and told her they had eggs. She’s in the kitchen crying.<br />
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~ When you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, they mean PEE. They ALWAYS mean pee.<br />
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~ My voice mail greeting says "Please don't do this."<br />
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~ According to PetMD, I have mange.<br />
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~ Free Advice: If it's possible to hear your breathing from over six feet away, then it's time to either hit the gym or a hospital...<br />
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~ No, Grandma, I will not be wearing those horrid Christmas boxers you knitted.<br />
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~ One of the biggest problems with the world is that intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.<br />
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~ I bet the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. <br />
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~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) tells me I drink too much. It's funny she doesn't make the connection.<br />
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~ Joined our trailer park watch program. There are 30 of us though, so I only get to wear it like one day a month. <br />
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~ If by fitness you mean I eat healthy and exercise regularly, then yes, I am not fit.<br />
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~ Arguing with OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) is like being attacked by a bear... I’m better off playing dead and hoping she gets bored and walks away!<br />
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~ My goal weight is for it not to look like I'm having a stroke when I yawn.<br />
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~ I just checked my voicemail… I forgot to buy milk three years ago.<br />
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~ While it may have looked like I was doing crunches, I was actually just trying to get up.<br />
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~ I’ve found that a good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.<br />
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~ I just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks... and now I wait.<br />
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~ I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I never understood Math.<br />
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~ I will not eat a donut. I will not eat a donut. I will not eat... I will not eat a third donut. I will not eat a third donut.<br />
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JesterBoy01http://www.blogger.com/profile/10351701471824772518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781857553942669454.post-84774459642937253972013-12-30T11:11:00.001-06:002013-12-30T11:12:22.385-06:00More Ramblings From A Warped Mind... 12-30-2013~ If you ever need to discipline your kids privately for making fun of people in Wal*Mart, the toothbrush aisle is almost always empty.<br />
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~ I’m done learning new things until someone can prove to me that we won’t have Google forever.<br />
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~ The only way I'd be interested in "leg day at the gym" is if it meant they were serving fried chicken.<br />
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~ Yesterday I ate a restaurant and the food was so bad... my tapeworm asked to see the manager.<br />
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~ I’m thinking of becoming an evil genius. So far I can only see one stumbling block.<br />
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~ Even with a busy schedule, I always find time for critical thinking errors.<br />
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~ For my next trick, pay close attention as I transform this bottle of Jack Daniels into a fat lip and an arrest for public intoxication.<br />
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~ I can fail to satisfy you in ways you never even knew existed.<br />
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~ I can't diet because it would devastate the local fast food economy, and frankly, I just don't think I could live with that kind of guilt.<br />
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~ Calm down mechanic guy… I’m just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other crap that’s wrong with my truck I'd turn the radio down.<br />
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~ Jack LaLanne died three years ago… and he's still in better shape than I am.<br />
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~ I can ignore you so hard you will begin to doubt your own existence.<br />
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~ So I’m not sure if this lady at Wal*Mart was genuinely surprised at life in general or if that was just the way she plucked her eyebrows.<br />
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~ I got arrested last night for “Failure to Correctly Recite Alphabet Backwards.”<br />
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~ "… and on your left you see Fred in camo. On your right is Bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart." (If Wal*Mart had tour guides).<br />
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~ Next year, I'm cutting back on moderation.<br />
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~ Our new welcome mat says, "Oh great! Not you again!"<br />
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~ So THESE are pistachios? And all this time I’ve been calling them wood clams.<br />
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~ Nobody in Wal*Mart thinks I'm a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.<br />
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~ Little known musical trivia: If you play Stairway to Heaven backwards, it becomes Highway to Hell.<br />
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~ The “Skip Ad” countdown on YouTube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.<br />
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~ I grew up poor, but then I found a thesaurus and now I'm impecunious.<br />
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~ I went by the Nursing Home and attached canes horizontally to dozens of walkers. Talk about the slowest jousting match ever…<br />
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~ An 8 year old boy was screaming at Wal*Mart because his mom wouldn't buy him a Mars bar… so I bought one and ate it in front of him.<br />
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~ So the smoke detector is trying to tell me it’s battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4000 times?<br />
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~ You know you’ve had too much when the cat barks.<br />
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~ Be right back, this cop is insisting on reading me my Miranda Rights.<br />
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~ I've never been to jail, but I did get stuck in a pair of skinny jeans at Old Navy once.<br />
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~ While most don't understand my particular kind of crazy, they do admire my commitment.<br />
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~ There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else's house.<br />
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~ My neighbor Marcel does a great bird impression… he eats worms.<br />
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~ Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves… and that's where I come in.<br />
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~ If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor… so your shoes smell good, but the tea tastes so bad it's almost not worth it.<br />
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~ I like to confuse my doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.<br />
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JesterBoy01http://www.blogger.com/profile/10351701471824772518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781857553942669454.post-71145243519347850112013-12-28T10:19:00.000-06:002013-12-28T18:11:18.608-06:00She WHOOPED Me Good... 12-28-2013So I know SOME of you pay attention when I take a little time off. With my track record and history, if I don't post on FaceBook or Twitter... some of you notice. And I'm thankful for your concern. And I'm glad that you care and show concern.<br />
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Yesterday was nearly one of those days. Although I did post a little, it was below my norm. And here is why: I was having to recuperate. It was a serious day of ice packs, Ibuprofin, and Icy Hot.<br />
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A little background... As you probably know, OWN ('Ol Weird Nancy) and I have lived in several places around the world. Germany, Hickville Holler (Pop 2), etc... And as you reside in these various locals, you learn that they all have various customs that are normally unique to that local area.<br />
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One place near where we lived had The Pickle Drop each year. I read just this week where another place drops a Possum. While both are similar, each is unique to it's specific location. Why, right here in Hickville Holler (Pop 2), we celebrate Hog Snout and Pig Ear Day. The county has Tractor Day at the High School. So you get my drift... many types of local customs.<br />
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But one that is celebrated in MANY nations around the world except the Unite States is Boxing Day. It is celebrated throughout the British Commonwealth and around Europe... and having lived there for several years... I was familiar with the term, if not the custom. In a call with friends in Germany on Christmas Day, the term came up. And I also saw it mentioned in a post by my sister-in-law in Canada. <br />
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So this year, I decided that OWN ('Ol Weird Nancy) and I needed to bring some international flair to Hickville Holler (Pop 2). We were going to introduce Boxing Day to the trailer park. And I now know I should have learned a few things in advance...<br />
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First off... OWN ('Ol Weird Nancy) was excited at the prospect of celebrating Boxing Day with me. I should have been more concerned, but played it off. I told her we could each choose our own brand of weapon. After a little research, I chose a pair of 20oz Bag gloves which are cushioned to protect the athlete and the opponent.<br />
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OWN ('Ol Weird Nancy), on the other hand, decided to go with bare-knuckles. LITTLE did I know...<br />
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Folks... this was never a challenge. Within seconds of the initial bell, I was on the floor watching an airplane dive-bomb me... which I much later figured out was the ceiling fan. I had no idea what day it was... where the month is... or why I could smell Tuesday.<br />
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I vaguely recall one point where the tornado sirens were at such a high pitched frequency, that Bernie The WONDER Dog was howling along with them. And IF you recall... he is deaf. And as it turns out... the tornado siren was me. Screaming at her to stop. And I sounded like a little girl.<br />
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She was relentless. Folks... she literally beat the CRAP out of me. My brown eyes weren't even brown for nearly three hours afterwards.<br />
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But in my defense, I nearly beat the snot of of her fists with both sides of my face. So I do have THAT going for me.<br />
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In the end, I learned a thing or two... one is I won't challenge her again. Two is next time I'll do a little more research on a holiday before I try to introduce it to Hickville Holler (Pop 2). Three is... never mind. I gotta change my ice pack and take some more Ibuprofin.<br />
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And that's MY take...<br />
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JesterBoy01http://www.blogger.com/profile/10351701471824772518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781857553942669454.post-88018061375096712462013-12-26T10:42:00.001-06:002013-12-26T10:42:57.483-06:00More Ramblings From A Warped Mind... 12-26-2013~ I always wonder what the nurse’s reaction is like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patient’s hand.<br />
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~ Well obviously you're missing the point and possibly a chromosome...<br />
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~ My neighbor’s kid can now reach the light switches so I don't go over to their house unless I really want to have a seizure.<br />
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~ I stopped by a local restaurant today and the food was so bad the flies had gotten together to fix the screen door.<br />
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~ Looks like I got a promotion, because according to my current parking spot I'm a physician.<br />
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~ Some aliens tried beaming me up for 45 minutes today before they gave up and picked up some skinny guy named Morris.<br />
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~ I tried using my new wood stove that I built for the first time and apparently you're suppose to make those things out of metal.<br />
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~ My life’s goal is to eventually have my act together enough to get in the car and leave my house without going back inside to grab something I forgot.<br />
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~ If two people love each other nothing is impossible... except deciding where to eat.<br />
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~ I spend a great deal of my life realizing I should’ve shut up 10 minutes ago.<br />
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~ I'm really easy to get along with as long as you ignore the rampant flaws in my personality.<br />
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~ It's a tough day as I'm finally coming to the realization that I'll never be a top supermodel.<br />
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~ To the lady smelling the scents of summers eve… isn't any of them a step up at this point?<br />
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~ I’m not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my truck has magically fixed itself, but I'm going with the latter.<br />
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~ I often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight I regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.<br />
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~ I’ve made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I'm married and OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) doesn’t allow me to make decisions.<br />
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~ My co-workers used to tell me I had a lot of patience. Fact is… there were just way too many witnesses around.<br />
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~ If you’ve never been in love... just imagine the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.<br />
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~ If you take longer than 10 seconds at the hand dryer, I will wipe my hands on the back of your shirt.<br />
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~ Have you ever filled a garbage bag, put your foot on it, and stomped the hell out of it so it held NINE times what it's supposed to? Well… that’s Yoga pants explained.<br />
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~ The guy who invented the Mohawk was originally just trying to get his sideburns the same length.<br />
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~ I’m old enough to remember when yoga was called Twister.<br />
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~ I wore a suit to Wal*Mart this morning… and they made me their king.<br />
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~ My goal weight is to not look like a "before" picture.<br />
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~ A good Hickville Holler (Pop 2) personal ad begins with “Has all own teeth.”<br />
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~ I need a draft folder for my mouth.<br />
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~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made VERY clear to me when I got home.<br />
<br />
~ I can't describe how I feel since I lost my thesaurus.<br />
<br />
~ The girl cutting my hair just described my face as having a lot of wear and tear. I sure hope she makes it home safely with no brakes.<br />
<br />
~ Because you're a miserable, sociopathic, piece of crap is NOT the right answer to "Do you know why I pulled you over?"<br />
<br />
~ I've developed a nitrous oxide laxative… just for shits and giggles.<br />
<br />
~ Do blind people eat Braille soup?<br />
<br />
17,309JesterBoy01http://www.blogger.com/profile/10351701471824772518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781857553942669454.post-573674846612295882013-12-21T10:15:00.000-06:002013-12-21T10:15:15.554-06:00More Ramblings From A Warped Mind... 12-21-2013~ I hate looking for something that I can't find because it's where it's supposed to be.<br />
<br />
~ Did you know how there were like, sixteen different Lassies? Same EXACT deal with Punky Brewster… according to this Wikipedia page I just edited.<br />
<br />
~ I'm adventurous until I find out the adventure starts after 10pm, because seriously, I'm old and I gotta go to bed.<br />
<br />
~ I just realized that too many of my stories end with “… and that’s why I’m not allowed to go back in there anymore.”<br />
<br />
~ My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.<br />
<br />
~ So OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) made my egg whites with Swiss cheese instead of cheddar like I wanted… so you could say I know a little bit about abusive relationships.<br />
<br />
~ So it turns out those miniature liquor bottles aren't for babies and now my niece says I can't be the Godfather.<br />
<br />
~ I'm not sure what OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) needs more, a nap or an exorcism.<br />
<br />
~ If you’ve wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.<br />
<br />
~ Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.<br />
<br />
~ If anyone out there has only one leg, I have a ton of socks you can have.<br />
<br />
~ When I don't have anything nice to say, I say it sarcastically.<br />
<br />
~ I’m not a procrastinator… I’m just extremely productive at unimportant things.<br />
<br />
~ So my neighbor has converted and become Jewish… but only because he likes the way the little hat covers his bald spot.<br />
<br />
~ Every bad decision I've ever made in life has involved a bottle, a woman, or a goat.<br />
<br />
~ My favorite Christmas Spirit is Jack Daniels…<br />
<br />
~ Whenever I go into a Wal*Mart, I hold my breath and pretend I'm swimming at the bottom of the gene pool.<br />
<br />
~ It doesn't take 140 characters to say I love you. Unless you babble on… and on… and on… about it.<br />
<br />
~ When it comes to sarcasm, you can count on me to give 110%.<br />
<br />
~ I have nothing in common with anyone who can sit through a 30 second YouTube ad.<br />
<br />
~ You know that saying, "it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all"? Yeah… that’s total crap.<br />
<br />
~ I have the sleeping habits of a rotisserie chicken on meth.<br />
<br />
~ My favorite part about getting out of bed in the morning is not getting out of bed in the morning.<br />
<br />
~ Sorry for all the things I said before I drank my coffee.<br />
<br />
~ The fact that no one understands me doesn't mean I’m an artist.<br />
<br />
~ I decided to start the mower for the 1st time this year just to see if it would run. After 36 pulls I passed out. When I came to, the yard had crop circles and Bernie-the Wonder-Dog had a Mohawk.<br />
<br />
~ I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.<br />
<br />
~ I only watch Storage Wars to see if they find that body I hid. Just kidding… I like the show. And it’s buried in the woods.<br />
<br />
~ I bought a used UPS truck today. It gets poor gas mileage, but I can park anywhere.<br />
<br />
~ My tweets are so boring the NSA unfollowed me.<br />
<br />
~ I’ve learned OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) doesn't mind me flirting with other women. She finds the rejection quite entertaining.<br />
<br />
~ If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and then dig it out of the trash.<br />
<br />
~ When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn't practice enough.<br />
<br />
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) always said she liked surprises, but when I wake her up late at night dressed as a clown, it's all screaming and crying.<br />
<br />
17,159<br />
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JesterBoy01http://www.blogger.com/profile/10351701471824772518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781857553942669454.post-48854689724109496002013-12-17T15:14:00.000-06:002013-12-17T15:14:37.507-06:00More Ramblings From A Warped Mind... 12-17-2013~ The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.<br />
<br />
~ La cucaracha is my most favorite song EVER about cockroaches.<br />
<br />
~ There's a 74% chance my last words will be "it's okay, nobody ever died from eating too much frosting."<br />
<br />
~ Some people are naturally talented, some people are motivated, some people are lucky. Me? I HATE ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE!<br />
<br />
~ I won't take a bullet for you, but I will take your wallet after the bullet hits you.<br />
<br />
~ If by "shot" you mean "half a cup" then yes I'll have a shot of Bailey's in my coffee<br />
<br />
~ When I win the lottery I’m going to have a full-time stenographer just so I can remember what I was talking about.<br />
<br />
~ Remember guys: With women, you're guilty until proven guilty.<br />
<br />
~ Living my life to its dullest…<br />
<br />
~ Am I the only one to ever go on YouTube just to watch a music video and then five hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?<br />
<br />
~ Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life, has never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.<br />
<br />
~ You never know how strong you are until you have to move your furniture all alone.<br />
<br />
~ My doctor said I shouldn't hug people. Now admittedly it was 10 years ago when I had the flu, but I still use that one.<br />
<br />
~ I bet the worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you're sinking into quicksand.<br />
<br />
~ One horribly inappropriate comment and you'll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Trust me… totally worth it.<br />
<br />
~ I see mannequins that I know are completely out of my league.<br />
<br />
~ I have several religious accounts following my postings… so I can only assume I'm the subject of a monthly sermon series.<br />
<br />
~ Deep down inside, you may be a good person, but I don't carry around a shovel.<br />
<br />
~ Just an FYI: Cats REALLY hate dryers. However, she has NEVER looked this fluffy.<br />
<br />
~ So I’m wondering if clothes in China say, "Made around the corner."<br />
<br />
~ When my Internet is down for more than two minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.<br />
<br />
~ Yes… I would go straight to Wendy's to get two Double Stacks and a small Coke with a stolen credit card. So thanks for asking for ID, lady.<br />
<br />
~ How are things going? Someone stole my identity. And then, two weeks later, they sent it back with $100 and a note that said "So sorry man. Hope things work out."<br />
<br />
~ I don't have any bumper stickers because I don't believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.<br />
<br />
~ If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there's nothing I can do about it.<br />
<br />
~ I couldn’t stand the long distance relationship anymore, so today I moved the fridge into the bedroom.<br />
<br />
~ If I yell Bloody Mary into a mirror three times at 3AM, as loud as I can, OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) will appear and tell me to shut up and go to bed. Magic?<br />
<br />
~ People have underestimated me my entire life, and on at least two of those days, they've been wrong.<br />
<br />
~ I thought this woman at Wal*Mart was speaking Yiddish today, but now that I'm home and thinking about it, I'm pretty sure she was choking.<br />
<br />
~ I wish I was 7'9" so my BMI would be normal…<br />
<br />
~ I tripped over the dog a second ago and am hurting a little. WebMD has it narrowed down to a sprained uterus, appendicitis, or lung cancer. So…<br />
<br />
~ If you stop and think about all the people I didn't marry, I’ve had a positive impact on virtually THOUSANDS of people.<br />
<br />
~ My voice mail message says "Just hang up and text me."<br />
<br />
~ It's impossible to have an *OK* time on a trampoline. It's either the most fun you've ever had or you go to the hospital.<br />
<br />
~ My Google search history is just twelve different, incorrect spellings of the word "restaurant."<br />
<br />
16,952<br />
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JesterBoy01http://www.blogger.com/profile/10351701471824772518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781857553942669454.post-23716838050829546272013-12-11T08:50:00.000-06:002013-12-11T08:50:03.982-06:00More Ramblings From A Warped Mind... 12-11-2013~ It's not procrastinating if you just decide not to do it.<br />
<br />
~ I'm the gift that keeps getting returned for store credit.<br />
<br />
~ How does OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) remember every word of an argument? I couldn’t remember what I had for dinner last night while I was sitting there eating it.<br />
<br />
~ I get more excited seeing my luggage on the baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.<br />
<br />
~ The worst feeling in the world is being in love with somebody that knows how to untie rope and run away while you're napping.<br />
<br />
~ My signature move is making promises Jack Daniels can't keep.<br />
<br />
~ After watching a two year-old throw a temper tantrum at Wal*Mart, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving them with massive national debt and a destroyed environment.<br />
<br />
~ I pick fights with OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) like I don't even value half of all my assets.<br />
<br />
~ So I’ve decided I’m not fat… I’m just easy to see.<br />
<br />
~ So OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) has figured out that sometimes a blank stare IS the correct answer.<br />
<br />
~ Did you know OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) SWEARS I’ve got to be a twin? She says I’m too stupid to be just one person.<br />
<br />
~ I ordered one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me, I'm all in.<br />
<br />
~ I used to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room just to watch all of the disappointed faces.<br />
<br />
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) has a new motto: “You can't fix stupid, but you can divorce it.”<br />
<br />
~ I get out of awkward dinner party conversations by telling people it's my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial.<br />
<br />
~ PEOPLE: When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.<br />
<br />
~ Just once, I'd like to take a medication with side effects such as come-hither eyes and mad juggling skills.<br />
<br />
~ It's always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they're like, "Uhhh… thank you for choosing Domino's."<br />
<br />
~ If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.<br />
<br />
~ Yeah I'm married, but let’s get one thing straight: I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk… This is ThOm’s wife. He has to go now… and he says good night.<br />
<br />
~ Our local Walgreens is playing Justin Bieber Christmas songs to drum up Excedrin sales.<br />
<br />
~ I poke a lot of fun at OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) on here, but seriously, she made me the man I am today… a broke, miserable alcoholic.<br />
<br />
~ Some of you give me faith in humanity, and some of you make me wish the apocalypse would just happen already.<br />
<br />
~ Sometimes I feel like no one truly appreciates the restraint it takes for me NOT to be a mass murderer.<br />
<br />
~ I thought I saw my doppelgänger today, but he was handsome and had a good job and a nice car and people liked him and he... never mind.<br />
<br />
~ The voices in my head are ALL singing Christmas songs this week. My right ear is starting to bleed a little.<br />
<br />
~ By my calculations, I've spent approximately $319 throughout my life to watch bananas turn brown on my kitchen counter.<br />
<br />
~ I think I'm gonna start selling a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.<br />
<br />
~ So OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) just came home with a $50 bottle of shampoo. So heads up everyone… party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!<br />
<br />
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) just called me by my full given name. This is gonna end poorly.<br />
<br />
~ Before college I didn't have a degree… or money… or any idea what I was doing with my life. But now… NOW I have a degree.<br />
<br />
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) likes to play this game called yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can’t hear her.<br />
<br />
~ So I’m thinking McDonald’s should have a 3rd window where you can trade in the wrong stuff that they gave you at the 2nd window.<br />
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16,724<br />
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JesterBoy01http://www.blogger.com/profile/10351701471824772518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781857553942669454.post-79486649574753103702013-12-06T15:37:00.000-06:002013-12-06T15:37:06.454-06:00More Ramblings From A Warped Mind... 12-6-2013~ The best part of having a tweet starred is the feeling that you entertained someone, even just for a second, that you'll never meet.<br />
<br />
~ I go to Taco Bell once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my truck.<br />
<br />
~ Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers: Please add: 'Don't trust a fart' to your side effects label. kthanksbye<br />
<br />
~ Beer is so smart that if you drink enough, right around your midsection, it builds a shelf for you to rest bottles on.<br />
<br />
~ There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people.<br />
<br />
~ I'm getting really irritated. I’ve been to TEN ATMs today that's had "insufficient funds." Don’t they ever restock these things??<br />
<br />
~ "Oakland? Why in the hell would you want to go to Oakland?" Strangers should NOT ask me for directions.<br />
<br />
~ I liven up a boring conversation by telling people I have a glass eye and then watching them try and figure out which one it is.<br />
<br />
~ I’m starting my own superhero squad… The League of Pretty Okay Individuals Who’ll Help Out If It’s Not Too Much Trouble If There's Pizza.<br />
<br />
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) reminds me of the Adobe license agreement, because she asks me to make changes every day and I’m too scared to say anything but yes.<br />
<br />
~ I had an uncle who was a world-famous chainsaw juggler. For one show.<br />
<br />
~ I’ll admit I don't know much about fashion, so I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.<br />
<br />
~ I wonder who’s wife invented the “add your location to your tweet” feature?<br />
<br />
~ My kid asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on her Ipod except one song.<br />
<br />
~ Poor OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) was so sick this morning … I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.<br />
<br />
~ There's nothing like that feeling of solidarity when a line of cars work together to keep a butthead from merging in front of you.<br />
<br />
~ It's hard to sleep at night knowing there's so many broke Nigerian princes out there.<br />
<br />
~ I'd be more inclined to drink less and eat better if the years I'd be adding to my life wouldn't be spent as a withered old man.<br />
<br />
~ Probably the best financial advice I can give you is to just steal everything.<br />
<br />
~ Sorry I ripped the TruckNutz off your “tricked out” Escalade, but you WERE parked across two spots.<br />
<br />
~ I’m thinking of giving it all up to become a fatness guru.<br />
<br />
~ I have no interest in a "family style" restaurant. I just always assume it'll be me, surrounded by people I've disappointed, who won't shut up about it.<br />
<br />
~ Note to self: People in line at an all you can eat buffet really don't like to be tickled.<br />
<br />
~ You haven't seen the heart of darkness until you've entered the only functioning stall in a rural Wal*Mart.<br />
<br />
~ So you’re 30 and still single? There's an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat... there's a cat for that.<br />
<br />
~ When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody EVER expects it.<br />
<br />
~ Just a word to the wise... if your wife ask which of her girlfriends would you like to have a threesome with, don't give her TWO names.<br />
<br />
~ So I tried to imitate the Elf on the Shelf… didn’t go well. And on a related note, I look hideous in a leotard.<br />
<br />
~ My neighbor gave his kid a whistle today. He is survived by his wife Linda. In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to my bail money fund.<br />
<br />
~ If I was in Star Wars I would probably just be that guy that keeps turning his lightsaber on and off and on and off like a pen.<br />
<br />
~ I was on the treadmill for 30 minutes today. Tomorrow I will turn it on.<br />
<br />
~ The girl behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I'm not allowed in Subway.<br />
<br />
~ My neighbor took his family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. He and his wife had chow mein and their kid built 3 iPhones.<br />
<br />
~ My favorite religious fish has to be the holy mackerel.<br />
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16,470<br />
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JesterBoy01http://www.blogger.com/profile/10351701471824772518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781857553942669454.post-86965220009807213882013-12-04T07:59:00.000-06:002013-12-04T07:59:14.388-06:00More Ramblings From a Warped Mind... 12-4-2013~ I heard a guy say, "At work, I gotta be awake!" - Like that's an unusual requirement. Is anyone employed as a coma patient?<br />
<br />
~ At one time I worked with a 250 pound girl who once said she could eat whatever she wants because she worked out… and I'M the one that was sent to HR.<br />
<br />
~ Whenever I get a "Final Notice" letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.<br />
<br />
~ My relationships are mostly just me apologizing for saying something I thought was hilarious.<br />
<br />
` When OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) says "I can't even tell you how upset I am right now" I normally only have to wait about 3 seconds to find out exactly how upset she is.<br />
<br />
~ If you still believe that children are our future, make a visit to a mall.<br />
<br />
~ Some people want a perfect relationship… I’d be happy with a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.<br />
<br />
~ If you're feeling down about yourself, it won't help you to know that Honey Boo Boo makes more money than school teachers.<br />
<br />
~ Each year an average of 10 people are killed by sharks while 100 people die being stepped on by cows. So where's Cow Week, Discovery Channel?!<br />
<br />
~ I joined a gym once. Twelve bystanders were injured… so much blood. Two people renounced their faith. And at night… I can still hear the treadmill screaming.<br />
<br />
~ I find it kind of cruel that "stutter" has two syllables.<br />
<br />
~ My moral compass just spins. And spins. And spins…<br />
<br />
~ By the time anyone said anything worth writing down in the meetings at my last job, I'd usually already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.<br />
<br />
~ I lost a very dear friend and drinking buddy in a tragic accident this weekend… he got his finger caught in a wedding band.<br />
<br />
~ The Hickville Holler (Pop 2) Portrait Studio Backgrounds choices: 1. Autumn Leaves 2. Toenail Fungal Infection 3. Country Cabin 4. Alarmed Possum<br />
<br />
~ I'm just grateful that I don't have to draw on my eyebrows everyday because I would totally forget to do that.<br />
<br />
~ My attention span is shorter than donuts are better with sprinkles.<br />
<br />
<br />
~ I just saw a video of a snake that learned to open doors. I probably don't need to sleep anymore anyway.<br />
<br />
~ If we could all just agree that we're fine, we'd never again have to ask each other how we are.<br />
<br />
~ My last job had started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism. I never failed…<br />
<br />
~ What I lack in imagination I make up for in... stuff.<br />
<br />
~ I'm at the age where an "all-nighter" means I didn't have to get up to pee.<br />
<br />
~ I'm already an idiot… all I need is a village.<br />
<br />
~ I want my hearse to have 'JUST DIED' written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.<br />
<br />
~ So today OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door… so I changed all of the locks.<br />
<br />
~ The first person to ever call me a psycho was Lorraine from high school. Height 5'4, coffin size 84 by 28 by 23.<br />
<br />
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) finally got a "Brazilian". He seems very nice.<br />
<br />
~ People that pronounce vase like "voz" make me want to punch them in the foz.<br />
<br />
~ I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces down by the pond today.<br />
<br />
~ I have said it before and I will say it again… if anyone is into wife swapping, I will take a dirtbike or a shotgun. Hit me up.<br />
<br />
~ It's not my job to judge other people. It's more of a hobby, really.<br />
<br />
~ If by "well-endowed" you mean I have a lot of money, then no, that doesn't describe me… either.<br />
<br />
~ These days opportunity texts "I'm here" from the driveway… because nobody knocks anymore.<br />
<br />
~ I don't normally gamble, but I do get strip mall Chinese food sometimes.<br />
<br />
~ Everyone knows someone in real life that actually resembles a garden gnome.<br />
<br />
16,377<br />
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JesterBoy01http://www.blogger.com/profile/10351701471824772518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781857553942669454.post-47712616170770435012013-12-01T17:43:00.000-06:002013-12-01T17:43:17.865-06:00More Ramblings From a Warped Mind... 12-1-2013~ It’s 72. That's how many Skittles you can eat before your tongue feels like you licked an iron.<br />
<br />
~ I looked successful at my last job, not because I was better than anyone else, but because I surrounded myself with stupid people.<br />
<br />
~ I saw that OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) was Googling ballroom dancing lessons… and now I'm really hoping that she's having an affair.<br />
<br />
~ I sometimes think that sharks don't eat enough people.<br />
<br />
~ I will force my way into an inside joke and kill the fun before I let two people laugh about something I don't get.<br />
<br />
~ If it defies all logic and makes very little sense, then it was probably my idea...<br />
<br />
~ The most important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.<br />
<br />
~ My golf instructor seems to think I'm mature enough to handle him talking about balls and how to properly grip the club.<br />
<br />
~ When OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) told me the two things she cooks best are meatloaf and apple pie, the correct response was NOT "Which one is this?"<br />
<br />
~ Why would ANY married man buy a hearing aid?<br />
<br />
~ As it turns out, a digital examination is not nearly as high tech as it sounds.<br />
<br />
~ I still remember the day OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) fell in "meh, I could do worse" with me.<br />
<br />
~ I may never truly know the difficulty of giving birth to a child, but I have taken my coat off by myself while driving.<br />
<br />
~ You probably wouldn't compliment our clean house if you knew OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) dusted everything with an old pair of my underwear.<br />
<br />
~ FYI: It's totally legal to expose yourself in public as long as you yell "WHOOMP THERE IT IS!"<br />
<br />
~ I could've had a V8. Whew! Glad I dodged THAT bullet...<br />
<br />
~ I would have a difficult time working in the Marketing Department for Dick’s…<br />
<br />
~ So it turns out that flash mobs are SO not what I thought… and I’ll be out looking for my clothes.<br />
<br />
~ Find someone to make you laugh everyday… and if that doesn't work find alcohol like I did.<br />
<br />
~ Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO are for sale at my local Wal*Mart… proving that dressing like an idiot is now affordable for everyone.<br />
<br />
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) sure is picky for someone who married me.<br />
<br />
~ All squirrels fly ever since I bought a T-shirt cannon.<br />
<br />
~ If you are going to be stupid you better be strong.<br />
<br />
~ I wear the pants in my relationship… I’m just not allowed to pick them out.<br />
<br />
~ If you stop at a yellow light I'm going to assume you have something illegal in your car.<br />
<br />
~ At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half…<br />
<br />
~ My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.<br />
<br />
~ I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.<br />
<br />
~ None of my girlfriends back in high school knew they were dating me.<br />
<br />
~ Wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard, "Actually sir, we have you on camera."<br />
<br />
~ Every time I went into my boss' office she told me "take a seat." I had 14 by the time I quit.<br />
<br />
~ Not to brag on her, but all of OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) kids have the same daddy.<br />
<br />
~ Vegans with children named 'Hunter' are why I lie awake at night.<br />
<br />
~ Which is more naked... buck or stark?<br />
<br />
~ At least 95% of my conversations with OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) start with, "Now don't freak out, but..."<br />
<br />
~ Sometimes I look around this house and wonder when the adults are going to arrive and straighten this mess out.<br />
<br />
~ You are only as good as you treat the person behind the counter.<br />
<br />
~ A lady stopped to tell me I dropped $20 on the ground. It wasn't my $20, but I took it. Nice to know there are still good people out there.<br />
<br />
~ I’m going to start using a hoola hoop to keep people out of my personal space.<br />
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JesterBoy01http://www.blogger.com/profile/10351701471824772518noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781857553942669454.post-49024626640298365042013-11-27T10:34:00.001-06:002013-11-27T10:34:07.345-06:00More Ramblings From a Warped Mind... 11-27-2013~ I try to keep my caffeine to blood ratio somewhere above jittery, but just below Hulk Hogan body-slamming André the Giant.<br />
<br />
~ The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper…<br />
<br />
~ What's the downside of house arrest? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller… Bueller…<br />
<br />
~ No matter what the government says, no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden.<br />
<br />
~ You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? Hahaha WHY!!??<br />
<br />
~ If you worry that you aren't creative enough, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.<br />
<br />
~ Email subject line: "Your invited." Thanks, I'll bring an apostrophe and an e.<br />
<br />
~ Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it's actually antidisestablishmentarianism.<br />
<br />
~ I’ve started wearing a ski mask to bed so if there's a home invasion the intruders will think I'm part of the team.<br />
<br />
~ If you see a porcupine in your yard, that's my cat and we're not done with our acupuncture session.<br />
<br />
~ You know what bothers me? When people assume you're homeless cause you're asleep on the street and your pants are gone…<br />
<br />
~ My family is starting to catch on to my "I died" excuse.<br />
<br />
~ Why would they the need to add "twerk" to the dictionary? The people that would use said word can't read.<br />
<br />
~ Sometimes I think I'm a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.<br />
<br />
~ I just ran over my neighbor’s cat. In all fairness, though, the damn thing probably thought he was safe when he made it to the porch.<br />
<br />
~ If my neighbor kid’s science project is to see how annoying he can be before I kill him then he's almost done.<br />
<br />
~ About two minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.<br />
<br />
~ My Thanksgiving was going great until Grandma decided to show us "the twerk."<br />
<br />
~ Not to brag, but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.<br />
<br />
~ Had a BAD mix-up at Wal*Mart today. The cashier said strip down facing me… and apparently she meant my credit card.<br />
<br />
~ The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."<br />
<br />
~ Since I didn't smoke, I used to take "screaming" breaks at work.<br />
<br />
~ My Thanksgiving was going great until my OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) brought out the ToFurky... What the furk is that?!<br />
<br />
~ I got kicked out of the Chinese Buffet yesterday… I had NO idea there was a time limit.<br />
<br />
~ Oops… a bottle of whiskey & a can of Easy Cheese doesn't constitute a side dish at a Baptist potluck.<br />
<br />
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) cleaned her purse out in case anybody is missing their lighter, a few 100 paper clips, a half eaten pack of crackers, or a midget.<br />
<br />
~ Every time I give money to those Salvation Army people I wonder if they're just gonna spend it on more bells.<br />
<br />
~ So last night I told OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends… so there we were discussing why I'm such a idiot.<br />
<br />
~ My neighbor and her dog have matching sweaters on and now I can’t tell them apart from each other.<br />
<br />
~ It's called Wal*Mart because the Center for Disease Control already was taken.<br />
<br />
~ This house is so messy that I walked in yesterday and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial.<br />
<br />
~ No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.<br />
<br />
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) is over 50 and she still doesn't need glasses… she drinks right out of the bottle!<br />
<br />
~ When I’m out of town my sleeping position changes from 'balancing on edge of bed' to 'snow angel.'<br />
<br />
~ Every time a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards… I just get in the back seat.<br />
<br />
~ If you say "cash money" around me, don't act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts." There… see how stupid that sounds?<br />
<br />
~ At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.<br />
<br />
~ Actual voice mail: "Bubba, this is OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy). I just texted you but I don't know how to make the facey-things so... happy face at the end."<br />
<br />
~ So OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) accused me of spending too much time on twitter and FaceBook and the funny thing is… when did I get married?<br />
<br />
~ Some people should come with a warning like - may cause drowsiness, or may have a laxative effect.<br />
<br />
~ At a restaurant last night and I thought a family was praying at the table… but then I realized they were all texting.<br />
<br />
~ I remember back when the kid was born, OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) suggested date nights to keep things fun. And she said I could go on some too if I found a reliable sitter.<br />
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JesterBoy01http://www.blogger.com/profile/10351701471824772518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781857553942669454.post-49280512500353675572013-11-25T11:01:00.000-06:002013-11-25T11:01:10.053-06:00In Case You Missed It... 11-25-2013~ I just had a seizure trying to pronounce surreptitiously…<br />
<br />
~ I don't have an anger problem. And if you say I do, I'll burn your house to the ground and destroy everything you've ever loved.<br />
<br />
~ So I’ve come to the conclusion that there's probably not enough time in this life to 'get my act together.'<br />
<br />
~ Nothing makes me more depressed than how much scrolling is necessary to find my birth year on a web form.<br />
<br />
~ I'd watch basketball more, if it didn't sound like someone making a balloon animal.<br />
<br />
~ Apparently there's been an outbreak of Whooping Cough, which is not good. I am, however, hoping for an outbreak of Whooping Ass, which would be pretty cool.<br />
<br />
~ Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what… and that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing.<br />
<br />
~ I'm at my most brilliant when the door says "pull" and I don't believe it.<br />
<br />
~ It really makes me depressed to know that I don't really have a stegosaurus, but rather just a very pissed off cat with Doritos super-glued to his back.<br />
<br />
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) asked me if she should sign up for the 401k at work, but I told her there's no way she can run that far.<br />
<br />
~ How long do you have to be awake before you can take your first nap of the day? It’s been a rough four minutes.<br />
<br />
~ Trying to write and my thoughts are so dead on here that I just wrote a tumbleweed.<br />
<br />
~ So I asked OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) a question 27 min ago… and she's still answering it.<br />
<br />
~ Should I ever get trapped camping on the mountain and freeze to death tell my family I died doing what I love: complaining.<br />
<br />
~ Wow! Nobody in traffic right now knows how close they just came to dying because I thought a ladybug was a bee. I urge you to go home and kiss your kids.<br />
<br />
~ When I was 15, I never envisioned how much time I'd spend in the future waiting outside in the cold to pick up my dog's poop.<br />
<br />
~ I’m stuck in the express lane of life while holding too many items.<br />
<br />
~ So OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It's not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color.<br />
<br />
~ I said "Candyman" 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.<br />
<br />
~ I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.<br />
<br />
~ I remember being crushed as a kid to learn that a dodecahedron is a shape with 12 sides and not a dinosaur.<br />
<br />
~ Great. The USB port on this cat doesn't work.<br />
<br />
~ Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) hair. It’s a nice way to let her know I love her… and also that were out of napkins.<br />
<br />
~ I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are… and I end the safety message with "Just in case I crash again."<br />
<br />
~ I’ve been trying to comfort my neighbor that I’m sure her new boyfriend doesn’t hate her… since he takes a long time to reply to her letters and blames it on the “prison mail system.”<br />
<br />
~ My four main food groups: 1. Canned 2. Frozen 3. Drive-thru 4. Fried<br />
<br />
~ In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.<br />
<br />
~ If there's a pistachio that's difficult to open, I'll just move right on to another because life is short and so is my damn temper.<br />
<br />
~ According to the hotel A/C, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.<br />
<br />
~ A spider jumped on OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) which made her stumble backwards and fall over the ottoman. Oh how I laughed! And I’m Tweeting this from the guest bedroom…<br />
<br />
~ OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) parents always said that she'd never find a man dumb enough to marry her. Well, she sure showed them...<br />
<br />
~ Some guy is going door-to-door to promoting a new local gym… called "Jehovah's Fitness."<br />
<br />
~ Considering you can be anything you want on the Internet, I’m amazed how many choose to be stupid.<br />
<br />
~ I just saved a TON of money on my car insurance… by switching to reverse and leaving the scene.<br />
<br />
~ You can save your breath… I’m not telling anyone you said “Hi.”<br />
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JesterBoy01http://www.blogger.com/profile/10351701471824772518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781857553942669454.post-42672704123347851072013-11-23T11:19:00.000-06:002013-11-23T11:19:03.513-06:00In Case You Missed It... 11-23-2013~ I feel great today and that's unsettling because now I'm out of excuses for being so unproductive.<br />
<br />
~ If there were a contest for procrastinators, I'd never get around to entering it.<br />
<br />
~ For future reference: don't wear six road flares and an alarm clock on your belt to the airport.<br />
<br />
~ Based on the current rate pants are sagging, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.<br />
<br />
~ If the word "famous" appears in your bio, you likely aren't.<br />
<br />
~ "Aaaa!" "Eeee!" "Iiiiiiii!" "Oooo!" "Uuuu!" "YYYY???" — Irritable Vowel Syndrome<br />
<br />
~ I just apologized to OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.<br />
<br />
~ If you ever hear me say I missed you… it's only because my aim was off.<br />
<br />
~ I used to set my screensaver to a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss didn’t notice when I hadn’t moved my mouse in an hour.<br />
<br />
~ They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".<br />
<br />
~ So I make ONE mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.<br />
<br />
~ If anyone is interested I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.<br />
<br />
~ I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.<br />
<br />
~ If this house doesn’t get cleaned soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded people for a Frebreeze commercial.<br />
<br />
~ My next-door neighbor just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly crapped her pants…<br />
<br />
~ I’m SO lucky OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard.<br />
<br />
~ To impress her co-workers, OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) tells them she is married to an artist. She DOESN’T tell them my preferred medium is sandwiches.<br />
<br />
~ Another helpful ThOm Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.<br />
<br />
~ My signature move is illegal in 37 states.<br />
<br />
~ If your wife says, "What would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer. And on a related note: Brrrr… it's cold in this doghouse :(<br />
<br />
~ The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing.<br />
<br />
~ Looks like I'm vegan until OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) next paycheck.<br />
<br />
~ War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I'm busy trying to lasso the TV remote with my phone charger cord.<br />
<br />
~ So I was sitting in my truck eating McD's, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go: "Here, we have The Fat Man in his natural habitat..."<br />
<br />
~ I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.<br />
<br />
~ I get really pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no... today’s job interview didn't go very well.<br />
<br />
~ Every time this item gets shared a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.<br />
<br />
~ Are you okay? You seem stupid.<br />
<br />
~ Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but ONLY white people die in hot air balloon accidents.<br />
<br />
~ I don't know how women do it. Every time I tried to "sleep my way to the top" I got woken up and sent to HR.<br />
<br />
~ I asked OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) “Why do you love me?” and she shrugged. So I asked her “Why do you find me annoying?” and she revealed a power point presentation, six spreadsheets, and a pie chart.<br />
<br />
~ If you piss me off in the grocery store, I'll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.<br />
<br />
~ One problem with autocorrect is that you always end up posting some thong that you didn't Nintendo.<br />
<br />
~ Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you're not being arrested?<br />
<br />
~ Removed my spanx shorts and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.<br />
<br />
~ My neighbor told his 5 year old that he was allowed to choose one item from the grocery store… so they came home with a cart.<br />
<br />
~ When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.<br />
<br />
~ My spirit animal is fried chicken.<br />
<br />
~ I'm very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has Wi-Fi?<br />
<br />
~ The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.<br />
<br />
~ Starbucks has announced that guns are no longer allowed in their stores. I wonder if banks will ever think of this.<br />
<br />
~ I went past a Hallmark movie as was flipping channels and the blood sugar spike sent me into a coma.<br />
<br />
~ I think some folks are correct to have a low self esteem.<br />
<br />
~ I'm a bad decision waiting to happen.<br />
<br />
~ There's just no way I can go back to carpeted floors. Sliding down the hallway in my socks is too big a part of who I am.<br />
<br />
~ I'm pretty sure some of my tweets qualify me to receive a handicap-parking sticker.<br />
<br />
~ I was dyslexic as a child and the only thing on my Christmas list was for Satan to bring me a god.<br />
<br />
~ I'm beginning to notice a correlation between a person's level of volume and their stupidity.<br />
<br />
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JesterBoy01http://www.blogger.com/profile/10351701471824772518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781857553942669454.post-8086004034320651052013-11-17T13:16:00.000-06:002013-11-17T13:16:21.334-06:00In Case You Missed It... 11-17-2013~ Instead of "Juicy" I have "May Contain Gas" written on the back of my shorts.<br />
<br />
~ I bought the wrong kind of compass one time. I got lost in the middle of nowhere, but I could sure draw a perfect circle.<br />
<br />
~ I hate when people talk to me while I'm using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like "Sir this is a display model at Home Depot."<br />
<br />
~ It was pretty busy at the gym this morning. I was 6th in line for a selfie.<br />
<br />
~ Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.<br />
<br />
~ I remember the first time a girl walked up to me and gave me her number back in high school. I didn't know what to do so I ate it.<br />
<br />
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) had seen all of my outfits by the time we were on our second date.<br />
<br />
~ The closest I've ever come to winning anything was last night when I got picked from a lineup at the station.<br />
<br />
~ Not to brag or pat myself on the back or anything, but I've never met a woman that I couldn't make madder than hell.<br />
<br />
~ I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.<br />
<br />
~ I don't need anyone with a so-called degree "to" tell me I use quotes wrong.<br />
<br />
~ Child: am I adopted? Me: Not yet, but we're hopeful.<br />
<br />
~ My neighbor is being much more nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting...<br />
<br />
~ I used to date a girl that had twin 3yo girls. They each had a sippy cup with their names on them. And when she wasn’t looking, I’d switch the cups.<br />
<br />
~ To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."<br />
<br />
~ So OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) told me it was her cheat day and I brought home cupcakes and she was upset that it wasn’t Juan from the gym…<br />
<br />
~ I knew my driving really sucked when my GPS said "After 300 yards, stop and let me out."<br />
<br />
~ Dyslexics are teople poo!<br />
<br />
~ Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed. Btw, I love what you've done with the place.<br />
<br />
~ My neighbor had to sign a form stating he understood his mother's cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.<br />
<br />
~ I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.<br />
<br />
~ Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.<br />
<br />
~ How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?<br />
<br />
~ ThOm’s Tricks That WORK!!: If you have a family member you that you never want to see again, loan them some money.<br />
<br />
~ So I watched NOVA on Public Television last night and learned that grown Pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat… I’m a Panda.<br />
<br />
~ My favorite oxymorons: 1. Jumbo shrimp. 2. Act natural. 3. Boneless ribs. 4. Civil war. 5. Freezer burn. 6. Adult male. 7. Happy marriage.<br />
<br />
~ I saw on the news last night that our local police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet, but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.<br />
<br />
~ There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life's face… only to find she has deflated in the night.<br />
<br />
~ The last time I saw that OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) had "Checked In" to the mall, I called to report her credit cards stolen.<br />
<br />
~ I want is a chance to prove that winning the lottery won't change me.<br />
<br />
~ Relationship Status: we made our marriage counselor cry.<br />
<br />
~ If I died and came back to life I'd probably push the Snooze Button.<br />
<br />
~ If anything ever happened to OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy), instead of getting married again, I'd just find a woman that hates me and give her a house.<br />
<br />
~"I hope no one noticed how much I ate," is what I think when leaving every funeral.<br />
<br />
~ Why is "Killing off all the Kardashians" not a real show yet?<br />
~ I've never seen “Apocalypse Now,” but I assume it's about a guy who gets stuck in traffic 10 minutes after eating Taco Bell.<br />
<br />
~ Meth: Saving people money on toothpaste since 1982.<br />
<br />
~ Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings.<br />
<br />
~ As a white man, it's hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.<br />
<br />
~ I remembering growing up the cockroaches were so big that when I hit one with a rolled up magazine it just held up a tiny 'LOL' sign and ran under the fridge.<br />
<br />
~ I ended a relationship yesterday. Oh don't worry… it wasn't mine.<br />
<br />
~ So I finally got the fire hydrant in our yard open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside. Disappointed.<br />
<br />
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JesterBoy01http://www.blogger.com/profile/10351701471824772518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781857553942669454.post-85586929745418509182013-11-15T17:59:00.000-06:002013-11-15T17:59:09.878-06:00In Case You Missed It... 11-15-2013~ "If you LIKE your weekend, you can KEEP your weekend...Period."<br />
President Obama<br />
<br />
~ Replace Sebelius with Incognito. There, I fixed it. Via @DennisDMZ<br />
<br />
~ I had a really cool wristband for Leprosy Awareness, but it fell off.<br />
<br />
~ I just figured out how many Cheetos is too many Cheetos. <br />
And on an unrelated topic: I have an orange body outline on my bed.<br />
<br />
~ I’ve never adopted a highway but I have foster parented some dirt roads. Via @IGotsSmarts<br />
<br />
~ So just because my neighbor says she wants Five Guys does not mean she is kinky. Oops.<br />
<br />
~ Is it just me, or should some really smart television producer introduce the people from "American Pickers" to the people from "Hoarders"?<br />
<br />
~ Just an FYI... everything sounds like "mmhrrfgh" through Duct Tape. That is all.<br />
<br />
~ I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I'm now lying on the floor and things still look screwed up.<br />
<br />
~ Hey people who take all the stuff I post literally... you know you're crazy, right?<br />
<br />
~ Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That's where I come in.<br />
<br />
~ Sometimes at the gym I'll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually, I get my shorts on.<br />
<br />
~ I could swallow a TON of magnets still not be attractive.<br />
<br />
~ Revenge is never as satisfying as you'd hope… and the cops always come sooner then you expect.<br />
<br />
~ Today is "bring your dog to work day". I thought it was "bring your dawg to work day". So now Carlton has to leave. Sorry dawg.<br />
<br />
~ If a dentist makes his money off unhealthy teeth,why should I trust a toothbrush 4 out of 5 dentist approve?<br />
<br />
~ Kid: Dad, am I adopted? Me: Yeah, like I'd have picked you?<br />
<br />
~ I’ve read over the symptoms 137 times in a row and I’m sure I don’t have OCD.<br />
<br />
~ So much obesity... so little Wal*Mart aisle space.<br />
<br />
~ I'm very "crafty"... but I don't make things.<br />
<br />
~ Obama now blaming "that lying prompter!" There are people in dialysis less dependent on machinery than Obama. Via Dennis Miller<br />
<br />
~ I'm thankful. That is all.<br />
<br />
~ Where does FaceBook find these "People I May Know?" I haven't known one yet...<br />
<br />
~ To those who said I'd never amount to much in life... good call.<br />
<br />
~ I have a new Reality Show coming out... it's called American Idle.<br />
<br />
~ Why does my FACE look like that!?" ~ Me every time I see a pic of myself.<br />
<br />
~ Where have I been? Is this Mother Angelica a new show? Or have I just been missing out?<br />
<br />
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JesterBoy01http://www.blogger.com/profile/10351701471824772518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781857553942669454.post-4554393878075960422013-11-01T13:18:00.000-05:002013-11-05T19:54:53.790-06:00Offensive PictureBelow is the offensive picture which was deleted by FaceBook after being reported...<br />
<br />
<br />
Awwwww... someone doesn't have a sense of humor and felt the need to report the photo I posted. Well... whoever you are, please feel free to delete and block me until you GROW UP and GET A LIFE!! Sheesh people...<br />
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JesterBoy01http://www.blogger.com/profile/10351701471824772518noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781857553942669454.post-69855996179380672882013-10-24T09:52:00.002-05:002013-10-24T09:52:47.170-05:00In Case You Missed It... 10-24-2013~ I’m getting to the age where all those prescription drug commercials are starting to make sense.<br />
<br />
~ I'm 72 minutes in to trying to reverse whatever my 3 y/o neighbor kid did in one second to the TV remote.<br />
<br />
~ My librarian knowing me by name is but one example of my commitment to the thug life.<br />
<br />
~ If they had trophies for Tweets being completely ignored, I feel pretty confident about my contender status.<br />
<br />
~ Going balls deep at this McDonald’s Play Place.<br />
<br />
~ Never be too shy to tell someone how crazy you are about them. However, spray-painting it on their house is a tad over the top.<br />
<br />
~ According to my calculations, I’ve been a failure since birth.<br />
<br />
~ While I may be a pathological liar, I'm also the King of Spain.<br />
<br />
~ Whoever said "Nothing is impossible..." hasn't tried to use the ObamaCare website.<br />
<br />
~ I'm tired of doing things halfway; I'm ready to completely give up.<br />
<br />
~ Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I'm reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.<br />
<br />
~ I hate being manic-depressive. It's the best!<br />
<br />
~ This morning I sent out a text saying, "I lost my phone, will you call it?" Five people called me. I need smarter friends... geez!<br />
<br />
~ PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.<br />
<br />
~ I assume all men named Darryl have another brother named Darryl.<br />
<br />
~ It was when the toothless cashier at Wal*Mart said she had a sweater just like mine that I knew my life had taken a horribly wrong turn.<br />
<br />
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) and I now toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologize.<br />
<br />
~ Miley Cyrus is like… if a Waffle House was a person.<br />
<br />
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy)is getting breast implants on Friday so I'm trying to figure out when the best time to tell her is.<br />
<br />
~ So If I ever get dementia and start mumbling incoherently… will anyone even notice?<br />
<br />
~ I’m thinkin’ maybe Waldo went out looking for Amelia Earhart…<br />
<br />
~ A chilled bottle of ketchup with dinner is as classy as it gets here in Hickville Holler (Pop 2).<br />
<br />
~ My friends often tell me “You’re not our friend,” and “Please leave or we’re calling the police.”<br />
<br />
~ I like truck stops because the thrill of potentially being kidnapped and murdered is a bonus feature offered nowhere else.<br />
<br />
~ People never noticed the vodka on my breath when I showed up late for work carrying a yoga mat.<br />
<br />
~ If I could meet any celebrity alive or dead, I would choose Justin Bieber… dead.<br />
<br />
~ I need to go to bed before I order Pajama Jeans and a HurryCane. I will however purchase the Chillow. Because IT is on point.<br />
<br />
~ On my first day in the hospital, I always kick the ass of the sickest person there… just to set my dominance.<br />
<br />
~ Our Jack-O-Lantern has more teeth than most of our Hickville Holler (Pop 2) neighbors...<br />
<br />
~ So I’m told sometimes silence is the best comeback. I’ve never tried it myself, though…<br />
<br />
~ We are all whores for something… my something is HoHos.<br />
<br />
~ If there isn't an intervention, I am at the wrong family reunion.<br />
<br />
~ It was so cold this morning that OWN's ('Ol Weird Nancy's) teeth were chattering... and she hadn't even put 'em in yet.<br />
<br />
14,665<br />
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JesterBoy01http://www.blogger.com/profile/10351701471824772518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781857553942669454.post-41152541063485374452013-10-22T09:46:00.000-05:002013-10-22T09:46:41.349-05:00In Case You Missed It... 10-22-2013- In order to afford this new ObamaCare Insurance, OWN ('Ol Weird Nancy) is gonna have to quit workin' and have more young'uns...<br />
<br />
- If you're ever at death's door, pretend to be a Jehovah's Witness so he'll never answer.<br />
<br />
- I know there is a reason we met, and I just like the fact that you can't figure out if I’m a lesson or a blessing...<br />
<br />
- I wish I loved anything as much as kids love water at bedtime.<br />
<br />
- Don't ever stop saying "I love you" to those closest to you...powerful encouraging words that breathe life, security & hope into each of us. ~ Dusty Wells<br />
<br />
- Why wait until tomorrow? Procrastinate today.<br />
<br />
- Sometimes I use a lowercase "L" instead of an uppercase "i" when I type, and no one even knows. I AM a rebel…<br />
<br />
- If your city’s mascot is a chalk outline you may want to reconsider your living situation. Chicago?? HellOOOOO??<br />
<br />
- You would THINK after not getting an answer after the FIFTH call that maybe... just maybe... I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT BUYING A CAR!<br />
<br />
- If you’re the only one on the dance floor and there is no dance floor, chances are you’re an alcoholic.<br />
<br />
- "How do you think you would like it if the tables were turned?" ~ Interior Decorator dilemmas<br />
<br />
- So we're into week three of "Non-Essential Workers" being furloughed. At what point do we realize that maybe we don't need 'em?<br />
<br />
- I'm glad Wal*Mart has their Christmas decorations out... now our trailer doesn't look so out of place.<br />
<br />
- The whole "Magic of Macy's" is NOT the best magic show I've seen. All that disappeared was my cash...<br />
<br />
- I just untangled my earbuds and the University of Phoenix sent me an engineering degree.<br />
<br />
- My follower count has now surpassed my credit score…<br />
<br />
- I learn most of my best dance moves from watching Maury tell the black guy he's not the baby’s daddy<br />
<br />
- Can I text LOL to a deaf person?<br />
<br />
- When I'm bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me "Do you know where this came from?"<br />
<br />
- Don't ever stop being who you are… just do it away from me.<br />
<br />
- Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?<br />
<br />
- I don't see the logic in your plan, so absoFLIPPINlutely, let's do this!<br />
<br />
- I am a misdemeanor waiting to happen.<br />
<br />
- OWN ('Ol Weird Nancy) isn't the greatest at remembering what she sees on The Food Network. This morning she served boiled toast...<br />
<br />
- So the Top Dog at the White House is to admit today that the ObamaCare rollout has been a train wreck. THERE'S breaking news...<br />
<br />
- OMG... this hotel has some of the thickest towels I have ever seen. It was all I could do to get my suitcase to zip closed.<br />
<br />
- OK... whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonald's... not funny. Grow up.<br />
<br />
- So I was looking through some old photos recently. I really miss the days when I could wear a cowboy hat, Mom's high heels, and no pants an no one called the cops.<br />
<br />
- I've been working on my winter body over the summer and I think I might actually fit into those sweatpants this year...<br />
<br />
- Soooo... the hotel has a heated, in-door pool. But they also have this crazy rule concerning swim suits. He said it was "just a warning... this time." So I guess it's just me and HBO...<br />
<br />
- So coming out of Dollywood headed to the hotel and ended up on Upper Middle Class Drive. I knew immediately I was on the wrong street, because I belong on Lower Trailer Trash Trail.<br />
<br />
- The Only thing better than receiving praise is deserving it. ~ JD Sumner<br />
<br />
- I caught OWN ('Ol Weird Nancy) trying to connect her new wireless bra to our router so she could get her boobs on the internet. This... THIS... is why I stay on the road.<br />
<br />
- Tuesday when I get home is gonna be Super Lazy Day... which is like Regular Lazy Day except I'll wear a cape.<br />
<br />
- Just keep it up and you'll be remembered as the strange smell in the trunk.<br />
<br />
- You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?!? And all this time I thought it was a reward for beating all the other drivers...<br />
<br />
- I'm the best available... in my price range.<br />
<br />
- OWN's ('Ol Weird Nancy's) safe word is "don't."<br />
<br />
- The sooner people realize I'm not responsible for my actions the easier it will be for all involved.<br />
<br />
- Good luck to the 13 year old girl who is pregnant and wrote "California" for ethnicity on her clinic forms.<br />
<br />
- Probably the nicest thing I can do for anyone is to just leave them alone.<br />
<br />
- Forget dieting... my new favorite fashion item is elastic waist pants. WOO HOO!!<br />
<br />
- Remember... the more focus that is on the debt ceiling and shutdown is less that is on the Benghazi coverup. It's only smoke and mirrors, so don't be fooled...<br />
<br />
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JesterBoy01http://www.blogger.com/profile/10351701471824772518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781857553942669454.post-68015003956146959982013-10-10T19:38:00.001-05:002013-10-10T19:38:55.171-05:00In Case You Missed It... 10-10-2013- I wouldn't call what OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) does 'cooking' so much as its 'finding new things to melt cheese on'.<br />
<br />
- I hate when somebody words a tweet gooder than me.<br />
<br />
- I tried to do a handshake with my coolest black friend and ended up wrapped up like an interracial pretzel.<br />
<br />
- It's OK to be a failure. Everyone needs to find the level of success that's right for them; in some cases, that just happens to be none.<br />
<br />
- I wish I loved anything as much as people love tweeting about things they wished they loved.<br />
<br />
- Radio Logic: Let's stop our music to tell you about our non-stop music.<br />
<br />
- I don't want to live in a world where I can't have the meat from 3 different animals on a single sandwich.<br />
<br />
- As it turns out there ARE enough hours in the day, I'm just not interested in using them productively.<br />
<br />
- Most of life's problems could be solved with a giant slingshot.<br />
<br />
- Blonde neighbor: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for two days? Me: I think that's a myth. Blonde neighbor: No it's definitely a butterfly.<br />
<br />
- If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.<br />
<br />
- So your baby needs a costume for Halloween, huh? Wrap it in tin foil... baked potato. Next question.<br />
<br />
- I scream. You scream. We all scream. Yeah… I'm not supposed to be at this slumber party.<br />
<br />
- A full pie pan is a single serving to me… its all in the perception.<br />
<br />
- The older I get, the hotter I used to be.<br />
<br />
- There's nothing more comfy than putting on underwear right out of the dryer. Plus, guessing who in the laundromat they belong to is a blast.<br />
<br />
- Wind chimes. Something I've never purchased. Can't see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what'd be nice? Noise.<br />
<br />
- I'd seriously take a (Nerf) bullet for you...<br />
<br />
- The worst part about being a functioning idiot is the whole "functioning" part.<br />
<br />
- Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.<br />
<br />
- Wal*Mart is basically just a garage sale with lots of security.<br />
<br />
- I'm going to open a Mexican restaurant staffed entirely by midgets. It'll be called it Oompa Chalupas.<br />
<br />
- Just watched some idiot spend 10 minutes trying to vacuum up a gum wrapper instead of just picking it up. JK. It was me. I'm so lazy.<br />
<br />
- Who's up for halfsies on a Disorderly Conduct charge?<br />
<br />
- I used the restroom at Cabela’s once … and that’s about as close to camping as I’ve ever been.<br />
<br />
- Trying to remember which apps I had on my old phone so I can put them on my new iPhone 4C. So far I'm up to none...<br />
<br />
- If the Febreeze commercials with the rooms filled with rotting garbage inspire you to buy Febreeze... you might consider cleaning yo' house.<br />
<br />
- How did people know who was cool before sunglasses were invented?<br />
<br />
- So I showed some kids how to do a swan dive… and that's why I’m not allowed back at the aquarium.<br />
<br />
- OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) saved my life insurance company $1M dollars by switching to Xanax.<br />
<br />
- … and so anyway, that's how I got kicked off the Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood HOA board.<br />
<br />
- Apparently some of you folks have been spelling teiamwork wrong.<br />
<br />
- GTA 5 debuts and the entire government shuts down. Cooincidence?<br />
<br />
- I am not sarcastic. I'm intelligent beyond your comprehension.<br />
<br />
- One day I hope to find a way to un-know things about my neighbors.<br />
<br />
- Why are they called solo cups when they come in packs of 50?<br />
<br />
- Nine out of ten of my bus riders are wondering what the bus just ran over and what happened to the tenth rider.<br />
<br />
- My body type could be best described as "sir, please put your shirt back on."<br />
<br />
- I think there's a shopping hotness scale. At Abercrombie I’m a low 2 and at Target I'm maybe a 4. But at Wal-Mart I'm Brad Pitt. I'll take it.<br />
<br />
- If you have to ask yourself "What the hell was I thinking" more than twice a day, we can definitely be friends.<br />
<br />
- I don't care what your IQ is. As long as you make me look smart, that's all that matters.<br />
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JesterBoy01http://www.blogger.com/profile/10351701471824772518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781857553942669454.post-62844186742425411682013-10-07T10:43:00.000-05:002013-10-07T10:43:13.717-05:00In Case You Missed It... 10-7-2013- I always keep a flask full of 100 proof whiskey and a bottle of Xanax on me because I never know when OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) will try and parallel park.<br />
<br />
- It's wrong to judge people. Unless you can just tell by looking at them that they're a butthead.<br />
<br />
- My updated resume is really just a list of crap I hope I never have to do again.<br />
<br />
- I know I make it look easy, but being ignored is much harder than it looks.<br />
<br />
- Behind every great nickname is a great screw up.<br />
<br />
- WOW!! I had no idea... NO IDEA... the numbers on our bathroom scale went that high. I actually got dizzy watching them spin.<br />
<br />
- My parents gave me genes that don't fit right…<br />
<br />
- It's actually really hard being this narcissistic… people should be more understanding.<br />
<br />
- If by 'eating disorder' you mean 'can't stop eating anything and everything' then yes, I have an eating disorder.<br />
<br />
- Oh, your son is 73 months old. That's cool. I literally have no idea if he's five or forty two…<br />
<br />
- If wang chung is outlawed only outlaws will wang chung.<br />
<br />
- Let's get this week started off with MORE COWBELL!!<br />
<br />
- On a scale of man-nipples to car alarms, how useless is Congress?<br />
<br />
- So this Lady in a Lexus at the next pump was bitching about gas prices on a gold iPhone holding a Starbucks. Long story short I need bail money…<br />
<br />
- When you ask us not to be judgmental yet you've misspelled judgmental, you've sorta painted us into a corner, now haven't you?<br />
<br />
- Just stop for a second and imagine what would happen if everybody did, indeed, Wang Chung tonight.<br />
<br />
- You can have your 26.2 and 13.1... I'm stickin' with my 0.0.<br />
<br />
- Everyday I try to not be the raging lunatic that I know I am... and I don't think my efforts are ever completely appreciated by each of you.<br />
<br />
- If you've been wondering what that smell is for more than 10minutes, it's probably you.<br />
<br />
- I love having the A/C on BoB (the Big 'ol Bus) set to "Penguin."<br />
<br />
- The country wouldn't be in this mess if Col. Sanders was still around.<br />
<br />
- America, America if we spent as much time loving and forgiving as we do hating and finger pointing then all of our problems would be solved. <br />
<br />
- Until further notice, all members of Congress should be forced to text and drive.<br />
<br />
- I'm researching to see if there is a path to killer abs via enchiladas...<br />
<br />
- Always strive to be more than you think you can be...<br />
<br />
- A new horror movie coming out... the beautiful vixen finds out the love of her life is... a... Democrat. Arghhhhhhh...<br />
<br />
- I'm pretty busy today so if you could just go ahead and offend yourself, that would be a huge help. Thanks in advance...<br />
<br />
- I just found out how to burn 800 calories in 30 minutes... leave the pizza in the oven too long.<br />
<br />
- Not sure if everything is expensive… of if I’m just poor.<br />
<br />
- I can't tell if I'm dealing better with life these days or if I just don't give a crap anymore...<br />
<br />
- Oh no. We run out of money at midnight. The government will shut down. The sky if falling. Folks... we are $16 TRILLION in debt. We ran out of money a LONG time ago.<br />
<br />
- There’s nothing better than lounging around in your underwear reading a good book. I just hate when the librarian threatens to call the cops...<br />
<br />
- Chinese Food: $16.72 <br />
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94 <br />
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless<br />
<br />
- So when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer... it's art. When I do it... I'm asked to leave Wal*Mart.<br />
<br />
14,181<br />
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JesterBoy01http://www.blogger.com/profile/10351701471824772518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781857553942669454.post-40911477116776600822013-09-26T10:15:00.000-05:002013-09-26T10:15:07.703-05:00In Case You Missed It... 9-26-2013- I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, the next minute they are chasing me out of the women's restroom.<br />
<br />
- If really good-looking people are "eye candy" I guess that puts me somewhere around the "eye broccoli" category.<br />
<br />
- So the dentist told OWN ('Ol Weird Nancy) she needs a crown. And she was like "I KNOW, RIGHT?"<br />
<br />
- So I walked out naked recently and OWN's ('Ol Weird Nancy's) like "What the...?" And I'm like "This is how God made me!" And she's like "No, that's how having no self control at the buffet made you."<br />
<br />
- I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.<br />
<br />
- Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my suitcase. Turns out it was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.<br />
<br />
- A new CNN report reveals that 1 in 3 Americans weighs as much as the other 2...!!<br />
<br />
- My neighbor has an inferiority complex about his superiority complex. He knows he's better than you, but he feels really bad about it.<br />
<br />
- This whole dieting thing is hard work. Since I can't order a dozen Krispy Kremes anymore, I just ordered two half dozens!<br />
<br />
- A hug or a kind word is always a great way to show how much you care. But I’ll settle for a cupcake.<br />
<br />
- The best part of my last job was calling in sick...<br />
<br />
- While I've never been arrested, I did get a dirty look from a crossing guard once. Look out Hell’s Angels.<br />
<br />
- I look great naked… as long as I don't take my clothes off.<br />
<br />
- People who believe what I post are so adorable.<br />
<br />
- I'm pretty good at not being good at things.<br />
<br />
- There’s nothing better than lounging around in your underwear reading a good book. I just hate when the librarian threatens to call the cops...<br />
<br />
- I saw a sweet old lady struggling to get her suitcase on the bus today. I had to go in the other door because she was taking forever.<br />
<br />
- My past must be in great shape cause it's always catching up with me.<br />
<br />
- Following my latest visit to Wal*Mart, I have come to the conclusion that ugly people are extra fertile.<br />
<br />
- You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.<br />
<br />
- Some folks are masters of stating the obvious. Like when they say "Hey, you're supposed to wear pants when we go to Sonic."<br />
<br />
- If I actually DID live like there was no tomorrow… I’d be in jail.<br />
<br />
- "I'm not even sorry" is something I say way too often when getting escorted out of “insert business name here.”<br />
<br />
- Second night in a row... A ROW... that no neighbor has offered to share dinner. May look to move the trailer...<br />
<br />
- I have an IQ in the top 2 percentile. The rest of you 97% are stupid.<br />
<br />
- Be thankful for the BAD things in life for they open your eyes to the GOOD things you weren't paying attention to before.<br />
<br />
- OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) deleted all my DVR list because she remembered that one time 8 yrs ago when I suggested she fold towels the way my mom did it...<br />
<br />
- Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. ~ Maya Angelou<br />
<br />
- Apparently I've been spelling Xanax backwards the entire time...<br />
<br />
- I should get a bonus check for every week I make it through without slapping the silly outta someone.<br />
<br />
- If you think I'm purposely ignoring you I probably am…<br />
<br />
- I love the "Delete Forever" option on my e-mail...<br />
<br />
- I think reality TV stars should have to be spayed or neutered.<br />
<br />
- Sometimes I get bummed out that I have never, to my knowledge, been "in cahoots" with anyone.<br />
<br />
- So now that I can get away with being a fat alcoholic, when can I expect stupidity being labeled a disease?<br />
<br />
- Anybody else disappointed that monkey bread comes with no monkeys?<br />
<br />
- If I had a cooking show, 85% of the action would involve me repeatedly fishing the Mac and Cheese box out of the trash to check the directions.<br />
<br />
- Those of us who seek psychiatric care aren't crazy. The crazy people are out in the world thinking they're all normal.<br />
<br />
- OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) says I'm not allowed to clip my toe nails at the kitchen sink anymore. Naked. When we have company. This house is a prison….<br />
<br />
- Sometimes I think about going for a walk… and then I remember I have a recliner.<br />
<br />
- Before you judge me, make sure you're perfect.<br />
<br />
- It seems no one knows my business like other people…<br />
<br />
- These local roadside sobriety tests are really getting out of hand... last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.<br />
<br />
- So I had OWN's ('Ol Weird Nancy's) FULL support to study abroad... until she saw the broad.<br />
<br />
- When someone says "There are no stupid questions" … I always think “Challenge accepted.”<br />
<br />
- So I almost got into a fight over a parking spot at Wal*Mart. The guy got out wearing a Tweety Bird shirt and even I'm not crazy enough to mess around with that...<br />
<br />
- So apparently when you donate blood, it has to be your OWN blood.<br />
<br />
- I really hate having to wear this towel while OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) washes my cape.<br />
<br />
- I have no idea how many problems I have because math is one of them.<br />
<br />
13,857<br />
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JesterBoy01http://www.blogger.com/profile/10351701471824772518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8781857553942669454.post-61312509554665496122013-09-23T09:52:00.001-05:002013-09-23T09:52:54.040-05:00In Case You Missed It... 9-23-2013<br />
- FOX BREAKING NEWS: Tragic News Update: Air Force One carrying President Obama underwent massive turbulence, lost engine power, stalled, but landed safely.<br />
<br />
- The best thing about standing next to the white guy with dreads at the Wal*Mart checkout is no one thinks you're the one that farted.<br />
<br />
- To help lower my grocery bill, I always take a bag of clever disguises to Sam's Club on Saturdays.<br />
<br />
- Atheists swear they not going to hell just because they don't believe in it. I don't believe in having a job, but OWN ('Ol Weird Nancy) still goes to work.<br />
<br />
- Given how the family has earned their wealth, shouldn't "Keeping Up with The Kardashians" be called "Dick Dynasty"?<br />
<br />
- No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.<br />
<br />
- My neighbor is nearly 80 and she still doesn't need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!<br />
<br />
- I told OWN ('Ol Weird Nancy) that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends... so we're discussing why I'm such a idiot.<br />
<br />
- If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader... (Yeah... even I have slow days).<br />
<br />
-At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.<br />
<br />
- Chinese Food: $16.72 <br />
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94 <br />
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless<br />
<br />
- I saw that OWN ('Ol Weird Nancy) has been Googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I'm REALLY hoping that she's having an affair.<br />
<br />
- "To hell with it, that's good enough." - every person after they've ever tried to fold a fitted sheet. Ever.<br />
<br />
- If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea...<br />
<br />
- I thought my name was "Stop encouraging him" until I was 11.<br />
<br />
- Diet status: currently eating OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) raspberry flavored lip gloss.<br />
<br />
- "Bad Turf Toe" is a legitimate injury in football. Really.<br />
<br />
- So OWN's ('Ol Weird Nancy's) horoscope says she will meet the man of her dreams today and I, for one, am pretty damn excited for her.<br />
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- I don't mean to brag, but with the right lighting, decent makeup and a ton of tequila, I'm a pretty solid 3.<br />
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- I thought my name was "Stop encouraging him" until I was 11.<br />
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- It's a little-known fact that underneath his hat, Abraham Lincoln kept a roll of paper towels.<br />
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- Of course OWN ('Ol Weird Nancy) has made mistakes in her life... @jaysta_11's (alleged) father is a perfect example.<br />
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- Oh... so bathtub selfies are for girls only, huh? Thanks for letting me know.<br />
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- My Google search history has turned into a list of symptoms. #hypochondriac<br />
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- You gotta love folks that block me before I even have the chance to offend them... Buncha cry babies.<br />
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- Shhhh... be veddy... veddy... qwiet. We're hunting wabbits.<br />
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- Sometimes people tell me "Come on... you're better than that." But, no... I'm not. Really. I'm not.<br />
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- Come on... be honest. I can't believe I'm the ONLY one that eats a snack while making a snack.<br />
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- I always find it awkward when the person who just barely made the elevator notices me holding to "Close" button...<br />
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- I'm not as scared to die as I am worried about slipping into a coma. TOO many of my friends have Sharpies.<br />
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- My new goal in life is to get everything within arm's reach of my recliner.<br />
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- One of the worst things about texting and driving is how all these people show up out of nowhere on the sidewalk.<br />
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- If you can't fit your Starbucks order into a tweet you're too white.<br />
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- Sooo... I guess all this time I've been spelling Xanax backwards.<br />
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- I wish there was a one-step program for my 12 addictions...<br />
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- I've been thinking about beanbag chairs a lot lately... and I'm pretty sure I'm close to being one.<br />
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- My Life Alert bracelet just says "Remember to Feed the Dog."<br />
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13,704<br />
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JesterBoy01http://www.blogger.com/profile/10351701471824772518noreply@blogger.com0