Saturday, November 23, 2013

11:19 AM - No comments

In Case You Missed It... 11-23-2013

~ I feel great today and that's unsettling because now I'm out of excuses for being so unproductive.

~ If there were a contest for procrastinators, I'd never get around to entering it.

~ For future reference: don't wear six road flares and an alarm clock on your belt to the airport.

~ Based on the current rate pants are sagging, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

~ If the word "famous" appears in your bio, you likely aren't.

~ "Aaaa!" "Eeee!" "Iiiiiiii!" "Oooo!" "Uuuu!" "YYYY???" — Irritable Vowel Syndrome

~ I just apologized to OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.

~ If you ever hear me say I missed you… it's only because my aim was off.

~ I used to set my screensaver to a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss didn’t notice when I hadn’t moved my mouse in an hour.

~ They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".

~ So I make ONE mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.

~ If anyone is interested I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.

~ I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.

~ If this house doesn’t get cleaned soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded people for a Frebreeze commercial.

~ My next-door neighbor just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly crapped her pants…

~ I’m SO lucky OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard.

~ To impress her co-workers, OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) tells them she is married to an artist. She DOESN’T tell them my preferred medium is sandwiches.

~ Another helpful ThOm Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

~ My signature move is illegal in 37 states.

~ If your wife says, "What would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer. And on a related note: Brrrr… it's cold in this doghouse :(

~ The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing.

~ Looks like I'm vegan until OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) next paycheck.

~ War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I'm busy trying to lasso the TV remote with my phone charger cord.

~ So I was sitting in my truck eating McD's, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go: "Here, we have The Fat Man in his natural habitat..."

~ I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

~ I get really pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no... today’s job interview didn't go very well.

~ Every time this item gets shared a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.

~ Are you okay? You seem stupid.

~ Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but ONLY white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

~ I don't know how women do it. Every time I tried to "sleep my way to the top" I got woken up and sent to HR.

~ I asked OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) “Why do you love me?” and she shrugged. So I asked her “Why do you find me annoying?” and she revealed a power point presentation, six spreadsheets, and a pie chart.

~ If you piss me off in the grocery store, I'll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

~ One problem with autocorrect is that you always end up posting some thong that you didn't Nintendo.

~ Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you're not being arrested?

~ Removed my spanx shorts and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.

~ My neighbor told his 5 year old that he was allowed to choose one item from the grocery store… so they came home with a cart.

~ When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.

~ My spirit animal is fried chicken.

~ I'm very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has Wi-Fi?

~ The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.

~ Starbucks has announced that guns are no longer allowed in their stores. I wonder if banks will ever think of this.

~ I went past a Hallmark movie as was flipping channels and the blood sugar spike sent me into a coma.

~ I think some folks are correct to have a low self esteem.

~ I'm a bad decision waiting to happen.

~ There's just no way I can go back to carpeted floors. Sliding down the hallway in my socks is too big a part of who I am.

~ I'm pretty sure some of my tweets qualify me to receive a handicap-parking sticker.

~ I was dyslexic as a child and the only thing on my Christmas list was for Satan to bring me a god.

~ I'm beginning to notice a correlation between a person's level of volume and their stupidity.

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