Sunday, November 17, 2013

1:16 PM - No comments

In Case You Missed It... 11-17-2013

~ Instead of "Juicy" I have "May Contain Gas" written on the back of my shorts.

~ I bought the wrong kind of compass one time. I got lost in the middle of nowhere, but I could sure draw a perfect circle.

~ I hate when people talk to me while I'm using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like "Sir this is a display model at Home Depot."

~ It was pretty busy at the gym this morning. I was 6th in line for a selfie.

~ Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.

~ I remember the first time a girl walked up to me and gave me her number back in high school. I didn't know what to do so I ate it.

~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) had seen all of my outfits by the time we were on our second date.

~ The closest I've ever come to winning anything was last night when I got picked from a lineup at the station.

~ Not to brag or pat myself on the back or anything, but I've never met a woman that I couldn't make madder than hell.

~ I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

~ I don't need anyone with a so-called degree "to" tell me I use quotes wrong.

~ Child: am I adopted? Me: Not yet, but we're hopeful.

~ My neighbor is being much more nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting...

~ I used to date a girl that had twin 3yo girls. They each had a sippy cup with their names on them. And when she wasn’t looking, I’d switch the cups.

~ To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."

~ So OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) told me it was her cheat day and I brought home cupcakes and she was upset that it wasn’t Juan from the gym…

~ I knew my driving really sucked when my GPS said "After 300 yards, stop and let me out."

~ Dyslexics are teople poo!

~ Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed. Btw, I love what you've done with the place.

~ My neighbor had to sign a form stating he understood his mother's cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

~ I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.

~ Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.

~ How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

~ ThOm’s Tricks That WORK!!: If you have a family member you that you never want to see again, loan them some money.

~ So I watched NOVA on Public Television last night and learned that grown Pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat… I’m a Panda.

~ My favorite oxymorons: 1. Jumbo shrimp. 2. Act natural. 3. Boneless ribs. 4. Civil war. 5. Freezer burn. 6. Adult male. 7. Happy marriage.

~ I saw on the news last night that our local police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet, but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.

~ There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life's face… only to find she has deflated in the night.

~ The last time I saw that OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) had "Checked In" to the mall, I called to report her credit cards stolen.

~ I want is a chance to prove that winning the lottery won't change me.

~ Relationship Status: we made our marriage counselor cry.

~ If I died and came back to life I'd probably push the Snooze Button.

~ If anything ever happened to OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy), instead of getting married again, I'd just find a woman that hates me and give her a house.

~"I hope no one noticed how much I ate," is what I think when leaving every funeral.

~ Why is "Killing off all the Kardashians" not a real show yet?
~ I've never seen “Apocalypse Now,” but I assume it's about a guy who gets stuck in traffic 10 minutes after eating Taco Bell.

~ Meth: Saving people money on toothpaste since 1982.

~ Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings.

~ As a white man, it's hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

~ I remembering growing up the cockroaches were so big that when I hit one with a rolled up magazine it just held up a tiny 'LOL' sign and ran under the fridge.

~ I ended a relationship yesterday. Oh don't worry… it wasn't mine.

~ So I finally got the fire hydrant in our yard open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside. Disappointed.

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