~ I bought the wrong kind of compass one time. I got lost in the middle of nowhere, but I could sure draw a perfect circle.
~ I hate when people talk to me while I'm using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like "Sir this is a display model at Home Depot."
~ It was pretty busy at the gym this morning. I was 6th in line for a selfie.
~ Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
~ I remember the first time a girl walked up to me and gave me her number back in high school. I didn't know what to do so I ate it.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) had seen all of my outfits by the time we were on our second date.
~ The closest I've ever come to winning anything was last night when I got picked from a lineup at the station.
~ Not to brag or pat myself on the back or anything, but I've never met a woman that I couldn't make madder than hell.
~ I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
~ I don't need anyone with a so-called degree "to" tell me I use quotes wrong.
~ Child: am I adopted? Me: Not yet, but we're hopeful.
~ My neighbor is being much more nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting...
~ I used to date a girl that had twin 3yo girls. They each had a sippy cup with their names on them. And when she wasn’t looking, I’d switch the cups.
~ To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."
~ So OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) told me it was her cheat day and I brought home cupcakes and she was upset that it wasn’t Juan from the gym…
~ I knew my driving really sucked when my GPS said "After 300 yards, stop and let me out."
~ Dyslexics are teople poo!
~ Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed. Btw, I love what you've done with the place.
~ My neighbor had to sign a form stating he understood his mother's cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
~ I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
~ Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
~ How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
~ ThOm’s Tricks That WORK!!: If you have a family member you that you never want to see again, loan them some money.
~ So I watched NOVA on Public Television last night and learned that grown Pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat… I’m a Panda.
~ My favorite oxymorons: 1. Jumbo shrimp. 2. Act natural. 3. Boneless ribs. 4. Civil war. 5. Freezer burn. 6. Adult male. 7. Happy marriage.
~ I saw on the news last night that our local police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet, but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
~ There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life's face… only to find she has deflated in the night.
~ The last time I saw that OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) had "Checked In" to the mall, I called to report her credit cards stolen.
~ I want is a chance to prove that winning the lottery won't change me.
~ Relationship Status: we made our marriage counselor cry.
~ If I died and came back to life I'd probably push the Snooze Button.
~ If anything ever happened to OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy), instead of getting married again, I'd just find a woman that hates me and give her a house.
~"I hope no one noticed how much I ate," is what I think when leaving every funeral.
~ Why is "Killing off all the Kardashians" not a real show yet?
~ I've never seen “Apocalypse Now,” but I assume it's about a guy who gets stuck in traffic 10 minutes after eating Taco Bell.
~ Meth: Saving people money on toothpaste since 1982.
~ Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings.
~ As a white man, it's hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
~ I remembering growing up the cockroaches were so big that when I hit one with a rolled up magazine it just held up a tiny 'LOL' sign and ran under the fridge.
~ I ended a relationship yesterday. Oh don't worry… it wasn't mine.
~ So I finally got the fire hydrant in our yard open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside. Disappointed.