Monday, September 16, 2013

10:43 AM - No comments

In Case You Missed It... 9-16-2013

- Another little known fact from ThOm... If you throw a baseball and hit the Target logo the store drops into a tank of water.

- I've been wanting to tweet about REO Speedwagon for 3 days now, and "I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore."

- Sometimes I feel more confused than a mood ring on a paranoid, bi-polar, schizophrenic, chameleon in a bag of Skittles.

- I'd have more respect for the weather man if he just got on camera & said "I have no idea, your guess is as good as mine -go outside & look"

- I had a Chinese neighbor who and had a kid early before its due date... so they named him Sudden Lee.

- Kate on Facebook can't believe the ordacity of some people. I can't believe the audacity of people who use big words that they can't spell.

- Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny. C.S. Lewis

- Wow… my neighbor’s cat is super committed to playing dead. It's been laying in the yard 3 weeks now...

- I'm proud to advise that the ban in the HR manual on firing a staple gun at anyone who walks into your office bearing work was because of me.

- So my neighbor just broke up with his girlfriend... but she said they are still cousins.

- I get offended when people tell me it's easy to criticize and tear people down. They have no idea how much effort I put into it.

- My signature move is asking OWN ('Ol Weird Nancy) questions on how to do something until she gets frustrated and does it herself.

- So I have this huge zit on my forehead. It's weird looking, annoying, and won't go away. I call it Miley...

- If you can't handle me at my worst, HAHA... the jokes on you cause that's all there is!

- If you're a grown man walking around wearing a winter hat that has animal ears, I can tell that at some point people used to take your lunch money.

- My moods don't just swing - they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate, and occasionally pirouette.

- No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

- So I told OWN ('Ol Weird Nancy) that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends... so we're discussing why I'm such a idiot.

- How does OWN ('Ol Weird Nancy) remember every word of an argument? I don't remember what I had for dinner and I'm eating it now...

- Just in case... if the police call you and ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

- I like to go to Starbucks... order coffee... tell them my name is Waldo... and then leave.

- So OWN ('Ol Weird Nancy) just described some of my shirts as "gay" and I don't think I've ever sashayed out of a room so hard.

- Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. And yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.

- So President Obama turned 52 last month... and Republicans are now trying to muster enough votes to repeal it.

- I like to go to Starbucks... order coffee... tell them my name is Waldo... and then leave.

- Why is it that people like me, with nothing to say, talk so much?

- It's been a long week... I'm beginning to feel like I look in my driver's license photo.

- Been trying to come up with a joke for the "Keep Kids Off Drugs" school promotion, but I keep mething up the punch line.

- So it seems OWN ('Ol Weird Nancy) has had a pan soaking in the sink for "an hour" since I left nine days ago. #domesticgoddess

- I had been single for so long, OWN ('Ol Weird Nancy) didn't even need to waste a roofie on me.

- When she met me, OWN ('Ol Weird Nancy) stopped looking for "the man of her dreams" and settled for the "he'll do" of her reality.

- Got caught going in for seconds when I thought the sample lady had her back to me. #bannedfromcostco

- I'm sitting here thinking and, honestly, I find it hard to believe that EVERYONE was kung fu fighting.

- Just when you think I can't get anymore crazy... THAT'S when I can bring stupid to a whole new level. #professional

- Just saw BREAKING NEWS on Fox... turns out Maury IS the father. #babydaddy

- If my "Check Engine" light would take the time to check my "Wallet Status" it would understand why it's covered with a piece of duct tape...

- The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong. - Mahatma Gandhi

- "REALLY?" (My reaction every time my credit card isn't declined).

- So when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer... it's art. When I do it... I'm asked to leave Wal*Mart.

- Just so you know... every shirt is a sweat shirt when you're fat.

- Make SURE your safe word is clear before you start. I had the worst prostate exam of my life last week...

- So is there a separate DMV for clean folks who breath through their nose and clip their nails at home (finger AND toe variety)... because I was obviously in the wrong one today.

- Saw a car w/"Just Marrid!" on the back. Who's the bigger idiot here: The writer. The Driver. The one "marrid" to the driver.
Yep, the South.

- If at first I don't succeed... I go back and do it the way OWN ('Ol Weird Nancy) TOLD me to do it in the first place.

- I am so poor that my Bologna doesn't even have a first name...

- Just had an idea for an all female roofing company: All The Shingle Ladies

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