* I just saw a commercial for gluten free dog food. Did I miss something? Is gluten sensitivity a "thing" with dogs now? Because mine licks his butt.
* Have you ever felt like you've said too much? Yeah, me either.
* Have you ever wished that you had Jesse’s squirrel?
* My twitter account is like an express lane… always 20 followers or less.
* I’m pretty sure my tombstone will read "Yeah… that was dumb."
* Like my mother always told me: “I wish we would have taken home that other baby from the hospital.” She was always such a big ball of inspiration.
* Based on my current calculations, I can retire... 5 years after I die.
* While I may seem like a nice person, I'm silently sitting here judging your grammar and punctuation.
* I count calories up to a healthy level and then roll them over to the next day... so far I'll be eating healthy until 2026.
* I can tell a lot about OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) by her hands. For instance, if they're around my throat, she's probably upset.
* It's not denial... I'm just very selective about the reality I accept.
* I’d stop being a butt-head if people would stop being stupid.
* I’m planning to put my trash in a sleeping bag and drag it to the street in the middle of the night just to see if my neighbors were paying attention.
* Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of the stuff I'm not doing…
* So I'm on a new diet where I accidentally saw my neighbor naked on Saturday and I haven't eaten since.
* If you insist on speeding up when I try and pass you I will insist on riding my brakes once I get in front of you...
* I always say a silent prayer for any guy whose life depends on his girl quickly finding something in her purse.
* I’m contemplating opening a liquor/pet store for single ladies specializing in box wine and cats.
* I'm right handed but I tweet with my left. Not sure if I'm a switch-twitter or a bi-textual.
* Is it too late to respond to a text from 33 days ago? I mean, I’m sure she’s found a ride from the airport by now.
* Sometimes, instead of Googleing, I'll just speculate and hope for the best.