* Most obituaries would be much more interesting if they told how the person died.
* There is a great need for a Sarcasm Font.
* Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize… you’re wrong.
* Teach a foreigner to fish and he’ll eat every day. Teach an American to fish and he’ll give up and go to McDonalds.
* You think YOU'RE poor?? The Hamburglar steals food from McDonalds.
* Saw some kids playing in their driveway with a plunger if you're wondering just how far hick I live.
* Signs that OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) cooking is slowly improving: 1. We haven't met any new firemen in the past week...
* People wonder why I have a Sam's Club membership if I never buy anything. Small price to pay for a snack buffet annual pass.
* Another ThOmism: Dryer lint is the cremated remains of all socks. Now you know…
* FaceBook game requests are the Jehovah's Witnesses of the Internet.
* Of all the lies I've told in my life, "Just Kidding" is my favorite...
* I just picked a pretzel off the floor. And ate it. Right in front of OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy). She didn't even blink. Apparently she already knows I'm a catch...
* Now really... how much more fun would breast implants be if they had squeaky toys inside them?
* Weiner AND Spitzer are planning comebacks in NY... this has nowhere to go but UP!!
* I'm not a runner so IF you see me running, you better run, too, cause something is chasing me.