* I tend to shy away from lodging establishments whose main advertising draws are "Cable" and "Direct Dial Phones."
* I plan to stay in and enjoy a nice, quiet evening in Hickville Holler (Pop 2)... mainly because I can't afford to go anywhere or do anything.
* I avoid having a guilty conscience by being a terrible person.
* Since I don't know much about fashion, I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
* I tried to start a gang here in Hickville Holler (Pop 2), but I couldn't get my fingers to bend correctly.
* Want to have a heart attack? Get in the car and watch OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) try to merge onto a highway. It'll be fun. We'll laugh. Well… YOU might not laugh.
* So the lady at the table beside us went OFF on the Red Lobster server until it was explained that “Shrimp Fest” had nothing to do with her small stature…
* I’ve learned that if I can’t say something nice, I always say something witty and sarcastic.
* My New Goal Weight: To be able to hold an infant and not have it try and breast feed off me.
* This crazy guy next to me forgot to take his meds, is flipping out and all weird. I hate seeing this. I’m just going to walk away from my mirror now…
* This bean dip could very well end my marriage.
* This celery tastes like I hate being fat.
* So according to the Weight Watchers’ point system, I have the high score...
* You're only allotted so much drama before we realize you're the problem.
* So Stevie Wonder is boycotting Florida over the Zimmerman thing? Not to be insensitive, but how would he know if he was even IN Florida?
* I'm at the age where an "all-nighter" means I didn't have to get up to pee.
* Every dog in the Hickville Holler (Pop 2) Trailer Hood is in our yard every morning thanks to OWN's ('Ol Weird Nancy's) nose whistling when she sleeps...
* People freak out when you sunbathe naked on the back of a boat… especially the manager at Boat World.
* The OCD Mafia - REALLY organized crime.
* I'm gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to mess with my own head when I get Alzheimer's.
* ♪♫♪♫ Country songs ♪♫♪♫ make dirt roads seem a lot better than I recall them being as a kid.
* ...and from now on, muffin tops shall be known as waist boobs.
* It never ceases to amaze me how many things are really, really flammable.
* I’m tired of wearing V-necks. I think I'll start wearing a W-neck to show off my nipples.
* I learned something today walking on hard wood floors while wearing socks... I’m not too old to still do the splits.
* The guy in the PT Cruiser next to me does not look anywhere near embarrassed enough.
* Choosing the right Tupperware lid on my first try is just one of the most impressive things I can do.
* If you’ve ever wondered what I look like on the dance floor, picture a old, hairy, white guy hoola hooping without a hoola hoop.
* I just ate an all natural high protein Greek yogurt bar that may or may not have been a candle in disguise.
* My hobbies include making parties awkward and burning the roof of my mouth eating pizza.
* Got re-tweeted by a guy with one follower. Not to be rude, but why didn't he just TELL him?