Wednesday, July 17, 2013

11:45 AM - No comments

In Case You Missed It... 7-17-2013

* Can't we all just get along? Hahahahaha, just kidding. We can't.

* At this point, OWN ('Ol Weird Nancy) would be happy to settle for a Splenda daddy.

* Thankful I'm not having to date these days... I have enough trouble getting into my own pants.

* "I'm going to do some yoga" is just a lie I like to tell.

* "We must learn to live as brothers or we will perish together as fools." Dr Martin Luther King, Jr.

* If Twinkies think they can just come crawling back to me like nothing even happened... they're absolutely correct.

* I saw you from a distance and I think we should keep it that way.

* If you have anything to say, now would be a perfect time to keep it to yourself.

* My hobbies include making parties awkward and burning the roof of my mouth eating pizza.

* Based on my coverage and signal strength, I'm pretty sure my cell phone carrier is pigeon.

* If OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) ever asks you if you know what your problem is, don't answer. It'll only make it worse.

* I just saw a poster that said "have you seen this man?" With a number to call... So I called the number and told them "No."

* Before college I didn't have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.

* How does OWN ('Ol Weird Nancy) remember every word of an argument? I don't remember what I had for lunch and I'm eating it now...

* I don't usually sleep enough, but when I do, it's still not enough.

* I caught my neighbor lying through his tooth again…

* A wise man once said absolutely nothing. ThOmism

* Don't lose sleep... Twinkies aren't really smaller. The people eating them are larger.

* Gay marriage bill clears Britain's House of Lords. Shocking news from a group of men who go to work in wigs and dresses.

* Why is patience a virtue? Why can't "hurry the heck up" be a virtue?

* My life can be summed up in three words: It got weird. Put that on my tombstone.

* I’m pretty exhausted… I just completed eight sets of Diddly Squats.

* There is someone that I love even though I don’t approve of what he does. There is someone I accept though some of his thoughts and actions revolt me. There is someone I forgive though he hurts the people I love the most. That person is… me. C.S Lewis

* If you don’t have a syndrome named after you you’re not trying hard enough.

* I'm 99% sure you think I'm weird. And I'm 100% sure I don't care.

* One of the worst feelings ever is waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead.

* Politicians and the media do not lie... they strategically misinform you.

* It seems marriages today are arranged like mortgages: "Wanna lock in for 3 or 5 years?

* I feel bad for OWN ('Ol Weird Nancy) at parties when somebody asks 'who brought this guy' she always has to shamefully raise her hand.

* Was learning cursive really necessary?

* It's Tuesday... a beautiful blue sky... grass is ankle deep... I need to post stuff on eBay... I need to clean the garage... so golf it is.

* So I birdied the first hole already (IF it was a Par 8, that is...).

* Only in ThOm Golf is a machete standard equipment...

* So Paula Dean was on TV trying to apologize... MORE... and Kanye interrupted her. It was like deja vu or something...

* I set unrealistically low standards for myself and am still constantly disappointed.

* Always a pallbearer, never a pall…

* Just what, exactly, do people with spinning, flashing, inflatable, Christmas lawn ornaments think is tacky?

* Everything I say is subject to change due to mental instability.

* I've got class. It's more like lower trailer park class, but still.

* I’m running low on Tweet material… sounds like a trip to Wal*Mart is in store.

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