* Hey dude... your stick-figure family of 6 really isn't necessary. No one sees your minivan and mistakes you for wild and single.
* So today, I saved a ton of money on my car insurance by outrunning the cops.
* I've lovin' this Twitter thing... for every follower I gain, I lose three. Pretty soon I'll have to get six just to have nobody...
* Funny how no one protests at vasectomy clinics.
* My spelling is so bad that, every now and then, even auto correct is like... 'Yeah, I've got nothing man.'
* I just found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he actually stood there and thought about it.
* Sometimes... late at night... when OWN ('Ol weird Nancy) is asleep, I like to sneak into the living room, put on her dress, and pretend I wear the pants in this relationship.
* If watching "Cops" on Saturday night on FOX has taught me anything, it's to stay away from people with blurry faces. They're nothing but trouble...
* Got SO embarrassed last night. It seems that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock and then I was freaking out because I’d already served the guacamole.
* So I can now take a small knife with me on a plane, but my 4oz bottle of mouth wash is dangerous. Got it!
* I'm amazed at how many folks tell me they miss my absence. Wait... ??
* There is 1 mosquito in my bedroom. I have 50 bullets. Let's dance.
* Did you know that "gullible" sounds like "orange" if you say it slowly enough?
* I've used OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) conditioner even though she told me more than once not to. Because I'm a rebel. A rebel with coconut dream hair.
* I have a hard time deciphering that fine line between hunger and boredom.
* It’s not that I think you're boring. I just think fun doesn't like you.
* Weiner-Spitzer... a German restaurant perhaps?