~ Any machine is a smoke machine if I just use it wrong enough.
~ Atheists certainly seem to have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
~ I'm not saying I did terrible things last night, but Satan just woke up on my couch and won't make eye contact.
~ My doctor told me to start killing people. Not in those exact words, mind you, but he said I needed to reduce my stress. Same thing.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) has been helping me diet by replacing the light in our fridge with an air horn.
~ I always maintain constant eye contact with the dude wearing camouflage at the mall… so he KNOWS I can totally see him.
~ I mixed my coffee with Red Bull… and now I can see the invisible things the cat pounces on.
~ Marriage is like the vet… and we're all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we're going.
~ My new fail-proof diet: cut sugar, fats, pasta, alcohol, bread, and wrists.
~ My neighbor Marcel got banned from Taco Bell and I cannot wait to hear this story. I have given table dances at Taco Bell and not got kicked out.
~ Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Why don't they just make bags that are twice as strong?
~ So OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) said: Please go to Wal*Mart and buy a carton of milk… and if they have eggs, get six. I came back with six cartons of milk and told her they had eggs. She’s in the kitchen crying.
~ When you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, they mean PEE. They ALWAYS mean pee.
~ My voice mail greeting says "Please don't do this."
~ According to PetMD, I have mange.
~ Free Advice: If it's possible to hear your breathing from over six feet away, then it's time to either hit the gym or a hospital...
~ No, Grandma, I will not be wearing those horrid Christmas boxers you knitted.
~ One of the biggest problems with the world is that intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.
~ I bet the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) tells me I drink too much. It's funny she doesn't make the connection.
~ Joined our trailer park watch program. There are 30 of us though, so I only get to wear it like one day a month.
~ If by fitness you mean I eat healthy and exercise regularly, then yes, I am not fit.
~ Arguing with OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) is like being attacked by a bear... I’m better off playing dead and hoping she gets bored and walks away!
~ My goal weight is for it not to look like I'm having a stroke when I yawn.
~ I just checked my voicemail… I forgot to buy milk three years ago.
~ While it may have looked like I was doing crunches, I was actually just trying to get up.
~ I’ve found that a good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
~ I just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks... and now I wait.
~ I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I never understood Math.
~ I will not eat a donut. I will not eat a donut. I will not eat... I will not eat a third donut. I will not eat a third donut.