~ Well obviously you're missing the point and possibly a chromosome...
~ My neighbor’s kid can now reach the light switches so I don't go over to their house unless I really want to have a seizure.
~ I stopped by a local restaurant today and the food was so bad the flies had gotten together to fix the screen door.
~ Looks like I got a promotion, because according to my current parking spot I'm a physician.
~ Some aliens tried beaming me up for 45 minutes today before they gave up and picked up some skinny guy named Morris.
~ I tried using my new wood stove that I built for the first time and apparently you're suppose to make those things out of metal.
~ My life’s goal is to eventually have my act together enough to get in the car and leave my house without going back inside to grab something I forgot.
~ If two people love each other nothing is impossible... except deciding where to eat.
~ I spend a great deal of my life realizing I should’ve shut up 10 minutes ago.
~ I'm really easy to get along with as long as you ignore the rampant flaws in my personality.
~ It's a tough day as I'm finally coming to the realization that I'll never be a top supermodel.
~ To the lady smelling the scents of summers eve… isn't any of them a step up at this point?
~ I’m not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my truck has magically fixed itself, but I'm going with the latter.
~ I often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight I regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
~ I’ve made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I'm married and OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) doesn’t allow me to make decisions.
~ My co-workers used to tell me I had a lot of patience. Fact is… there were just way too many witnesses around.
~ If you’ve never been in love... just imagine the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
~ If you take longer than 10 seconds at the hand dryer, I will wipe my hands on the back of your shirt.
~ Have you ever filled a garbage bag, put your foot on it, and stomped the hell out of it so it held NINE times what it's supposed to? Well… that’s Yoga pants explained.
~ The guy who invented the Mohawk was originally just trying to get his sideburns the same length.
~ I’m old enough to remember when yoga was called Twister.
~ I wore a suit to Wal*Mart this morning… and they made me their king.
~ My goal weight is to not look like a "before" picture.
~ A good Hickville Holler (Pop 2) personal ad begins with “Has all own teeth.”
~ I need a draft folder for my mouth.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made VERY clear to me when I got home.
~ I can't describe how I feel since I lost my thesaurus.
~ The girl cutting my hair just described my face as having a lot of wear and tear. I sure hope she makes it home safely with no brakes.
~ Because you're a miserable, sociopathic, piece of crap is NOT the right answer to "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
~ I've developed a nitrous oxide laxative… just for shits and giggles.
~ Do blind people eat Braille soup?