~ I'm the gift that keeps getting returned for store credit.
~ How does OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) remember every word of an argument? I couldn’t remember what I had for dinner last night while I was sitting there eating it.
~ I get more excited seeing my luggage on the baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
~ The worst feeling in the world is being in love with somebody that knows how to untie rope and run away while you're napping.
~ My signature move is making promises Jack Daniels can't keep.
~ After watching a two year-old throw a temper tantrum at Wal*Mart, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving them with massive national debt and a destroyed environment.
~ I pick fights with OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) like I don't even value half of all my assets.
~ So I’ve decided I’m not fat… I’m just easy to see.
~ So OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) has figured out that sometimes a blank stare IS the correct answer.
~ Did you know OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) SWEARS I’ve got to be a twin? She says I’m too stupid to be just one person.
~ I ordered one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me, I'm all in.
~ I used to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room just to watch all of the disappointed faces.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) has a new motto: “You can't fix stupid, but you can divorce it.”
~ I get out of awkward dinner party conversations by telling people it's my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial.
~ PEOPLE: When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
~ Just once, I'd like to take a medication with side effects such as come-hither eyes and mad juggling skills.
~ It's always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they're like, "Uhhh… thank you for choosing Domino's."
~ If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
~ Yeah I'm married, but let’s get one thing straight: I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk… This is ThOm’s wife. He has to go now… and he says good night.
~ Our local Walgreens is playing Justin Bieber Christmas songs to drum up Excedrin sales.
~ I poke a lot of fun at OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) on here, but seriously, she made me the man I am today… a broke, miserable alcoholic.
~ Some of you give me faith in humanity, and some of you make me wish the apocalypse would just happen already.
~ Sometimes I feel like no one truly appreciates the restraint it takes for me NOT to be a mass murderer.
~ I thought I saw my doppelgänger today, but he was handsome and had a good job and a nice car and people liked him and he... never mind.
~ The voices in my head are ALL singing Christmas songs this week. My right ear is starting to bleed a little.
~ By my calculations, I've spent approximately $319 throughout my life to watch bananas turn brown on my kitchen counter.
~ I think I'm gonna start selling a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
~ So OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) just came home with a $50 bottle of shampoo. So heads up everyone… party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) just called me by my full given name. This is gonna end poorly.
~ Before college I didn't have a degree… or money… or any idea what I was doing with my life. But now… NOW I have a degree.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) likes to play this game called yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can’t hear her.
~ So I’m thinking McDonald’s should have a 3rd window where you can trade in the wrong stuff that they gave you at the 2nd window.