~ The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper…
~ What's the downside of house arrest? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller… Bueller…
~ No matter what the government says, no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden.
~ You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? Hahaha WHY!!??
~ If you worry that you aren't creative enough, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
~ Email subject line: "Your invited." Thanks, I'll bring an apostrophe and an e.
~ Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it's actually antidisestablishmentarianism.
~ I’ve started wearing a ski mask to bed so if there's a home invasion the intruders will think I'm part of the team.
~ If you see a porcupine in your yard, that's my cat and we're not done with our acupuncture session.
~ You know what bothers me? When people assume you're homeless cause you're asleep on the street and your pants are gone…
~ My family is starting to catch on to my "I died" excuse.
~ Why would they the need to add "twerk" to the dictionary? The people that would use said word can't read.
~ Sometimes I think I'm a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
~ I just ran over my neighbor’s cat. In all fairness, though, the damn thing probably thought he was safe when he made it to the porch.
~ If my neighbor kid’s science project is to see how annoying he can be before I kill him then he's almost done.
~ About two minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
~ My Thanksgiving was going great until Grandma decided to show us "the twerk."
~ Not to brag, but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
~ Had a BAD mix-up at Wal*Mart today. The cashier said strip down facing me… and apparently she meant my credit card.
~ The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
~ Since I didn't smoke, I used to take "screaming" breaks at work.
~ My Thanksgiving was going great until my OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) brought out the ToFurky... What the furk is that?!
~ I got kicked out of the Chinese Buffet yesterday… I had NO idea there was a time limit.
~ Oops… a bottle of whiskey & a can of Easy Cheese doesn't constitute a side dish at a Baptist potluck.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) cleaned her purse out in case anybody is missing their lighter, a few 100 paper clips, a half eaten pack of crackers, or a midget.
~ Every time I give money to those Salvation Army people I wonder if they're just gonna spend it on more bells.
~ So last night I told OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends… so there we were discussing why I'm such a idiot.
~ My neighbor and her dog have matching sweaters on and now I can’t tell them apart from each other.
~ It's called Wal*Mart because the Center for Disease Control already was taken.
~ This house is so messy that I walked in yesterday and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial.
~ No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) is over 50 and she still doesn't need glasses… she drinks right out of the bottle!
~ When I’m out of town my sleeping position changes from 'balancing on edge of bed' to 'snow angel.'
~ Every time a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards… I just get in the back seat.
~ If you say "cash money" around me, don't act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts." There… see how stupid that sounds?
~ At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
~ Actual voice mail: "Bubba, this is OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy). I just texted you but I don't know how to make the facey-things so... happy face at the end."
~ So OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) accused me of spending too much time on twitter and FaceBook and the funny thing is… when did I get married?
~ Some people should come with a warning like - may cause drowsiness, or may have a laxative effect.
~ At a restaurant last night and I thought a family was praying at the table… but then I realized they were all texting.
~ I remember back when the kid was born, OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) suggested date nights to keep things fun. And she said I could go on some too if I found a reliable sitter.