~ I'm 72 minutes in to trying to reverse whatever my 3 y/o neighbor kid did in one second to the TV remote.
~ My librarian knowing me by name is but one example of my commitment to the thug life.
~ If they had trophies for Tweets being completely ignored, I feel pretty confident about my contender status.
~ Going balls deep at this McDonald’s Play Place.
~ Never be too shy to tell someone how crazy you are about them. However, spray-painting it on their house is a tad over the top.
~ According to my calculations, I’ve been a failure since birth.
~ While I may be a pathological liar, I'm also the King of Spain.
~ Whoever said "Nothing is impossible..." hasn't tried to use the ObamaCare website.
~ I'm tired of doing things halfway; I'm ready to completely give up.
~ Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I'm reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
~ I hate being manic-depressive. It's the best!
~ This morning I sent out a text saying, "I lost my phone, will you call it?" Five people called me. I need smarter friends... geez!
~ PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
~ I assume all men named Darryl have another brother named Darryl.
~ It was when the toothless cashier at Wal*Mart said she had a sweater just like mine that I knew my life had taken a horribly wrong turn.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) and I now toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologize.
~ Miley Cyrus is like… if a Waffle House was a person.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy)is getting breast implants on Friday so I'm trying to figure out when the best time to tell her is.
~ So If I ever get dementia and start mumbling incoherently… will anyone even notice?
~ I’m thinkin’ maybe Waldo went out looking for Amelia Earhart…
~ A chilled bottle of ketchup with dinner is as classy as it gets here in Hickville Holler (Pop 2).
~ My friends often tell me “You’re not our friend,” and “Please leave or we’re calling the police.”
~ I like truck stops because the thrill of potentially being kidnapped and murdered is a bonus feature offered nowhere else.
~ People never noticed the vodka on my breath when I showed up late for work carrying a yoga mat.
~ If I could meet any celebrity alive or dead, I would choose Justin Bieber… dead.
~ I need to go to bed before I order Pajama Jeans and a HurryCane. I will however purchase the Chillow. Because IT is on point.
~ On my first day in the hospital, I always kick the ass of the sickest person there… just to set my dominance.
~ Our Jack-O-Lantern has more teeth than most of our Hickville Holler (Pop 2) neighbors...
~ So I’m told sometimes silence is the best comeback. I’ve never tried it myself, though…
~ We are all whores for something… my something is HoHos.
~ If there isn't an intervention, I am at the wrong family reunion.
~ It was so cold this morning that OWN's ('Ol Weird Nancy's) teeth were chattering... and she hadn't even put 'em in yet.