Monday, September 23, 2013

9:52 AM - No comments

In Case You Missed It... 9-23-2013

- FOX BREAKING NEWS: Tragic News Update: Air Force One carrying President Obama underwent massive turbulence, lost engine power, stalled, but landed safely.

- The best thing about standing next to the white guy with dreads at the Wal*Mart checkout is no one thinks you're the one that farted.

- To help lower my grocery bill, I always take a bag of clever disguises to Sam's Club on Saturdays.

- Atheists swear they not going to hell just because they don't believe in it. I don't believe in having a job, but OWN ('Ol Weird Nancy) still goes to work.

- Given how the family has earned their wealth, shouldn't "Keeping Up with The Kardashians" be called "Dick Dynasty"?

- No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

- My neighbor is nearly 80 and she still doesn't need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!

- I told OWN ('Ol Weird Nancy) that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends... so we're discussing why I'm such a idiot.

- If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader... (Yeah... even I have slow days).

-At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.

- Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless

- I saw that OWN ('Ol Weird Nancy) has been Googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I'm REALLY hoping that she's having an affair.

- "To hell with it, that's good enough." - every person after they've ever tried to fold a fitted sheet. Ever.

- If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea...

- I thought my name was "Stop encouraging him" until I was 11.

- Diet status: currently eating OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) raspberry flavored lip gloss.

- "Bad Turf Toe" is a legitimate injury in football. Really.

- So OWN's ('Ol Weird Nancy's) horoscope says she will meet the man of her dreams today and I, for one, am pretty damn excited for her.

- I don't mean to brag, but with the right lighting, decent makeup and a ton of tequila, I'm a pretty solid 3.

- I thought my name was "Stop encouraging him" until I was 11.

- It's a little-known fact that underneath his hat, Abraham Lincoln kept a roll of paper towels.

- Of course OWN ('Ol Weird Nancy) has made mistakes in her life... @jaysta_11's (alleged) father is a perfect example.

- Oh... so bathtub selfies are for girls only, huh? Thanks for letting me know.

- My Google search history has turned into a list of symptoms. #hypochondriac

- You gotta love folks that block me before I even have the chance to offend them... Buncha cry babies.

- Shhhh... be veddy... veddy... qwiet. We're hunting wabbits.

- Sometimes people tell me "Come on... you're better than that." But, no... I'm not. Really. I'm not.

- Come on... be honest. I can't believe I'm the ONLY one that eats a snack while making a snack.

- I always find it awkward when the person who just barely made the elevator notices me holding to "Close" button...

- I'm not as scared to die as I am worried about slipping into a coma. TOO many of my friends have Sharpies.

- My new goal in life is to get everything within arm's reach of my recliner.

- One of the worst things about texting and driving is how all these people show up out of nowhere on the sidewalk.

- If you can't fit your Starbucks order into a tweet you're too white.

- Sooo... I guess all this time I've been spelling Xanax backwards.

- I wish there was a one-step program for my 12 addictions...

- I've been thinking about beanbag chairs a lot lately... and I'm pretty sure I'm close to being one.

- My Life Alert bracelet just says "Remember to Feed the Dog."



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