Folks… there are certain things you could chisel in stone that my name would never… NEVER… be associated with. For example, you will never see the headline “Tom Gilmore Receives Pilot License.” That ain’t gonna happen. I don’t like to fly, so I won’t be going out taking lessons on it. “Tennessee Resident Dies in Bungee Jumping Accident.” You can keep reading cause my name ain’t gonna be in that story.
What I’m getting at, is there are some folks that should have the word “IDIOT” tattooed across their forehead. These folks are just crazy. They shouldn’t be allowed to have no young’uns cause their limb of the tree needs to STOP! Cut that limb off, split it into kindling, and end it. Right there. Done.
Have I piqued your interest yet? Wondering what set me off this time? Well… just to be fair, I will let you know the Hickville Wally*Mart plays NO part in this rant. I know… I know… I’m shocked, as well.
So I’m reading the news this morning when this headline jumped out at me:
“Man Bitten While Trying to Sit on Crocodile”
Now I didn’t say a word. I just got up and went and got my list “Things You Will NEVER See Tom’s Name Involved In” and came back and sat down. OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) looked at me and asked “What have you read now?”
My list grows little by little. As I read something that some idiot has done (and now let me clarify here… I mean some OTHER idiot, because I do on occasion do some dumb stuff), I will add it to my list. And by having that list, OWN can sleep better at night. If by chance I’m not home and she reads something that some idiot has done, she can look at my list and KNOW that it wasn’t me. For example… if I’m gone next week and she reads that some idiot has been bitten while trying to sit on a crocodile, she can gasp in horror, run get my list, see that I have that item on there, and rest easy. Ya’ll have NO idea the things I do to make OWN’s life easier. This is just one of many.
So actually, this was an interesting day because there were a COUPLE of items that I added to my list besides the crocodile idiot:
“Men Accused of Beating Porky Pig at Theme Park” I won’t be beating Porky Pig. I love pork… it’s the other white meat. And these idiots should be strung up by their… well… some appendage and made to squeal like a pig.
“Police Seek Mischief Maker Dressed as Leprechaun” Now this one could get a little confusing for ya. I DO like to make mischief, but I WON’T be doing it while dressed as a leprechaun.
“Police Say Woman Beat Man With Frying Pan” Ummm… ok… so I’m not sure why this one made the list of Strange News since it’s a normal occurrence at our house.
But I hope ya’ll get my drift. I just don’t feel sorry for some of these folks. If you’re dumb enough to try and sit on a crocodile, you deserve to get bit. Just like those people I see at Wally*Mart… if they’re dumb enough to go out dressed like that, they should KNOW I’m going to look, point, and laugh.
And that’s MY take.