Monday, March 22, 2010

6:46 AM - 3 comments

Must You Yell??

STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING!!! NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THIS!! IT’S BETTER THAN SLICED BREAD!! HOW HAVE YOU LIVED THIS LONG WITHOUT IT?? YOUR LIFE MUST BE MISERABLE!! AND YES… I DO HAVE TO YELL AT YOU!!

Whatever it is… you need two of them. Regardless. You need two sets of these bowls to keep your fruit fresh. And two sets of these bags to store clothes under your bed. Clothes you never wear anyway, because if you did, why would you be storing them under the bed? With all the air vacuumed out of them? If I were smart, instead of vacuuming the air out of the bags of clothes I don’t wear, I’d be vacuuming the dust bunnies out from under the bed. But that’s IF I was smart.

The “Neckline Slimmer.” I’ve heard of this one. It’s called a DIET. Eat less and your neck gets slimmer. It ain’t rocket science. The “Perfect Brownie.” I’ll just stick with cutting mine with the knife. That’s IF the dough actually gets baked since I’m bad about testing it. A LOT.

The “Tool Bandit.” I have three of these, actually. I call them neighbors. How about the “Bed Skirt Organizer.” It’s a bed skirt with pockets to put your shoes in. I’m not sure I want a bunch of smelly shoes right by my bed as I try to sleep. No telling what I would dream about. The ad says it “puts an end to clutter.” I don’t think so. It just moves it out of the closet where you can smell it better.

I’ve noticed lately that you can’t get just one item anymore, either. They make you wait so that you can have a second one at no additional charge. You just have to pay separate shipping and handling. But if I pay separate shipping and handling, why do they come in the same box? Shouldn’t they be shipped separately? That’s what I paid for. And why should I have to pay to have them handle it? I don’t really like the idea of a bunch of people touching my stuff. I’d rather just pay for the shipping and leave the handling part out.

I’m not sure why they have to yell at me either. It’s not like they are going to shout over my mute button. Billy Mays was bad about that. Always yelling. I’m a quiet kinda guy. Talk to me sensibly. And now this new kid is yelling at me. The Sham-WOW guy. He has taken over where Billy left off. And he’s wearing this headset microphone thingy… what’s up with that?

I’d like to find out how you get a job sitting in their audience. I could sit there… clap my hands… tilt my head to the left while shaking it… I bet they earn good money for that. And I bet they have no idea what the guy is selling. They couldn’t care less. All they have to do is clap and nod their head as if they are listening. Yeah… I should apply for that job. I know I’d be great at it. After all, I’ve been married and doing the very same thing for over 25 years. Clapping and shaking my head as if I’m listening.

So I don’t need most of the stuff they scream at me about. I figure since I’ve lived this long without it, I can go a little longer. But the audience job intrigues me. Especially on the ones where they are cooking something. I’d take that job.

And that’s MY take.

3 comments:

I came really close the other day to really wanting the Magic Bullet when I saw the commercial... but they weren't yelling, just acting like they were having a grand ole' time.

If they aren't yelling about it... probably ain't worth the money.

I have that Bedskirt organizer thingy! I bought it for my son. He keeps the tv remote, Nintendo DS and games and all the cords for it. It is a dust collector as the cat hair and whatever sticks to it.

"BILLY MAYS HERE!"

"Camera guy, you gettin' this?"

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