~ I used to work with a WOMAN named Rick… but she spelled it with a silent "P."
~ Duct tape can't fix stupidity… but it can muffle it.
~ Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in "I recommend the squirrel".
~ Can we all just agree that having your cake and eating it too is the same damn thing.
~ At my last job, the tech support guy asked me to rank my issue as normal, urgent, or extremely urgent. I did a 6 minute long scream into the phone and let him decide.
~ 'Vegetarians' don't eat meat. 'Vegans' also don't eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there and pretend to be a shrub.
~ When they say "all expenses paid"… it does not include bail.
~ I've done a few things I've been ashamed of, but at least I’ve never played FarmVille.
~ I'm about one more bad decision away from my own reality show.
~ So I put on a muscle shirt yesterday… and waited. Just how long does it take to kick in?
~ To the guy at the mall who parked his Lexus across two parking spaces: Your car got paint on my keys.
~ It’s sad that America ranks 25th in the world in math, but at least we're still in the top 10.
~ So do Amish people just yell their tweets from the top of their barns?
~ I asked Siri "What do women want?" and she's been talking nonstop for the last nine days now.
~ My sense of humor has frequently been described as "please stop" and "you're ruining the party."
~ I saw someone trying to parallel park a car for about 10 minutes today. I didn’t actually see the person, so I’m not going to assume what gender she was.
~ So I’m wondering if 6 foot penguins exist… or if I ran over a Nun this afternoon.
~ Saw a girl with a nice tan at Wal*Mart today. I'm guessing her mother is white and her father is a sweet potato.
~ It's like I always say... if you can't beat ‘em; arrange to have 'em beaten.
~ I had too much fun at Wal*Mart today with a woman who’d lost her son named "Marco."
~ My boss once choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because she really needed that mint.
~ Ate a vegetable at dinner... still no abs.
~ According to my cholesterol level I'm a pizza.
~ I always carry a knife, but it's just in case of cake.
~ Do you ever wonder what "don't touch" is in Braille?
~ If you didn’t fall off the treadmill and smash your face open, then I really don’t need to hear about your gym workout.
~ I recommend watching your wedding video backwards. You'll love the part where you take your ring off, walk away from the altar, and leave with your friends.
~ There's a special place in he'll for autocorrect…
~ I bet Doctors had a really good laugh when they realized that temperatures could be taken orally, too.
~ I can never remember if it's "laying" or "lying." But anyway, I hit a dude with my truck and he's doing one of them in the middle of the road.
~ Have you ever raised your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you're finishing a marathon? Yeah… they don’t like that.
~ I just don't eat well enough to have an Instagram account.
~ I would stand for what I believe in… but I believe in laziness.
~ I think that milk I just chewed is probably out of date.
~ What wine would you serve to celebrate we're having Tequila?
~ In hell, you have to stand in line all day only to find out you're in the wrong line. It's always the wrong line.
~ The best thing about telling Amish jokes is not having to worry about losing followers.
~ Not to brag, but I can still fit into the sweatpants I put on this morning.
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~ I saw a guy today with knuckle tats that said PLAN AHEA
~ I plan to start volunteering a few hours every Monday at the local Soup Kitchen teaching the homeless people how to Instagram their soup.
~ I’m living proof that if you work hard, put in your dues, and are nice to everyone around you, you TOO can live in poverty and barely survive paycheck to paycheck.
~ I got a fortune cookie that just said "Sorry."
~ My safe word was Worcestershire.
~ I went to a vegan restaurant yesterday. Wait… no… that was a florist. My bad.
~ There's no excuse for laziness… but if you find one, let me know.
~ No thanks hockey! If I wanted to freeze my butt off and watch a bunch of toothless drunks fight, I'd go to my Uncle Lester's on payday.
~ I now realize I will never be old enough to know better.
~ If you ask me to choose sides, I will always choose potato salad.
~ Just a heads up: Referring to another employee as a "gingeraffe" will land you in sensitivity training... no matter how tall and redheaded they are.
~ I've seen enough episodes of "Cops" to know that you should avoid all people with blurry faces.
~ My new password contains a capital letter, a number, a plot, a protagonist with some character development, and a surprise ending.
~ I call OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they're set on shuffle.
~ I've been eating sunflower seeds and Tweeting for 9 hours. Now I know what a canary feels like.
~ I've been hitting "remind me later" for about the last four years on Adobe.
~ I was single for many years by choice... of others.
~ OMG! A CUSTOMER AT WAL*MART ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back on the shelf. She never even knew.
~ I fall more in love with OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) each day. Well, except yesterday. Yesterday she was really freakin' annoying.
~ From the way cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I could tell she had never broken a lawnmower before.
~ My neighbor accidentally shot a fellow hunter on a hunting trip because he mistook him for a deer in an orange vest drinking a beer.
~ Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
~ When a mime dies, do other mimes observe a moment of talking?
~ Being a Twitter elite is like being the most popular patient in the asylum. Just TRUST me…
~ Someone asked me what I'm into these days… and I told them "debt."
~ I’m thinking if gas station quit locking their bathrooms, someone might clean them.
~ Things are so tough my background check bounced.
~ I'm 72 minutes in to trying to reverse whatever my 3 y/o neighbor did in one second to the TV remote.
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~ This Male Order Bride is the worst and most expensive typo I've ever paid for.
~ I saw a woman at Wal*Mart today with a lower back tattoo that said "Classy" and my brain leaked out of my ear.
~ The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe… which is something it has in common with the liberal media.
~ I saw on the news that one of the wheelchair basketball team players has tested positive for WD40.
~ I took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard… because the theft in this trailerhood is getting out of hand.
~ Yawning is your body's way of saying 20% battery left.
~ How about an App that sends you a text when the light turns green…
~ I gave OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) a tip how she could wash the dishes better. On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands softer.
~ It takes a smoke detector four months to stop beeping… if you were wondering how lazy I am.
~ When I call OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) "Hun," it's not short for honey… it's short for Attila.
~ OWN ('Ol Weird Nancy) used way too much moisturizer and she may have to call in slick tomorrow.
~ This morning OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, "You're good to go, woman!" And now the mop handle is in a funny place.
~ When playing tug of war with a 2yo, it's best to remember they're pulling really, really hard and WOW they travel fast when you let go.
~ For those of you wondering what its like to be married: I just found out this morning I'm on day three of an argument I didn't know I was having...
~ It was only after I started dancing in the food court - alone - that I learned flash mobs are planned...
~ Nothing in the history of the English language has backfired more than the phrase "calm down."
~ Things I'm really sick of: underwear… responsibility…
~ At best, I'm a worst-case scenario.
~ If you didn't want me stealing the Parmesan shaker from your establishment, you should've chained it down like they do with pens at the bank.
~ I never know what to expect from our ice dispenser… 1 or 5000.
~ So I got a walking stick as a gift, but it's done nothing except just lie on the floor so far. I'm going to take it back for a refund.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) hides bubble wrap in her bra and it makes for HILARIOUS hugs.
~ Some talents are best left off a résumé.
~ If someone doesn’t realize their blinker is on after one minute their car should explode.
~ I just watched “How It’s Made” on the Discovery Channel and now I’ll never be able to eat another Urinal Cake again.
~ “Your call is VERY important to us. Now, please enjoy the 40-minute flute solo.”
~ Sometimes when I’m bored, I dress up as a giant duck and go down to the pond and throw whole loaves of bread at people.
~ Listen… all you people DO realize you can just BUY a Klondike Bar. Right?
~ Everyone who signed my Yearbook in Junior High will be glad to know I have, in fact, stayed cool.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) was surprised when we went into Staples yesterday to learn they sell ALL kinds of office supplies. She has now decided it might be safe to checkout Dick’s…
~ I often wonder what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided that Anusol was the best possible name brand.
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~ You'd think it would be safe not locking a car in a church parking lot on a Sunday, but apparently NOT… just this week I got 8 iPhones and $26.00 in change.
~ Any machine is a smoke machine if I just use it wrong enough.
~ Atheists certainly seem to have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
~ I'm not saying I did terrible things last night, but Satan just woke up on my couch and won't make eye contact.
~ My doctor told me to start killing people. Not in those exact words, mind you, but he said I needed to reduce my stress. Same thing.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) has been helping me diet by replacing the light in our fridge with an air horn.
~ I always maintain constant eye contact with the dude wearing camouflage at the mall… so he KNOWS I can totally see him.
~ I mixed my coffee with Red Bull… and now I can see the invisible things the cat pounces on.
~ Marriage is like the vet… and we're all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we're going.
~ My new fail-proof diet: cut sugar, fats, pasta, alcohol, bread, and wrists.
~ My neighbor Marcel got banned from Taco Bell and I cannot wait to hear this story. I have given table dances at Taco Bell and not got kicked out.
~ Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Why don't they just make bags that are twice as strong?
~ So OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) said: Please go to Wal*Mart and buy a carton of milk… and if they have eggs, get six. I came back with six cartons of milk and told her they had eggs. She’s in the kitchen crying.
~ When you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, they mean PEE. They ALWAYS mean pee.
~ My voice mail greeting says "Please don't do this."
~ According to PetMD, I have mange.
~ Free Advice: If it's possible to hear your breathing from over six feet away, then it's time to either hit the gym or a hospital...
~ No, Grandma, I will not be wearing those horrid Christmas boxers you knitted.
~ One of the biggest problems with the world is that intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.
~ I bet the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) tells me I drink too much. It's funny she doesn't make the connection.
~ Joined our trailer park watch program. There are 30 of us though, so I only get to wear it like one day a month.
~ If by fitness you mean I eat healthy and exercise regularly, then yes, I am not fit.
~ Arguing with OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) is like being attacked by a bear... I’m better off playing dead and hoping she gets bored and walks away!
~ My goal weight is for it not to look like I'm having a stroke when I yawn.
~ I just checked my voicemail… I forgot to buy milk three years ago.
~ While it may have looked like I was doing crunches, I was actually just trying to get up.
~ I’ve found that a good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
~ I just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks... and now I wait.
~ I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I never understood Math.
~ I will not eat a donut. I will not eat a donut. I will not eat... I will not eat a third donut. I will not eat a third donut.
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